If you are responding to an article I've written and it's no longer on my front page, you're wasting your time. I might still read your email, but I'd be more inclined to write a new article than go back and change something I wrote several months ago if that is your intent.

If you are writing to say any of the following things, you're an idiot:

• "You're a Maddox rip-off!"
• "You're going to Hell!"
• "Your parents are probably ashamed of you!"
• "How old are you? 12?"
• "You will never get laid."
• "You're a sad, pathetic man."
• "Asshole!"
• "You're wrong-- I know you are!"

If you are writing to inform me of something urgent, please put PARAMOUNT! in the beginning of the Subject field. Most spammers put the word "urgent" there, but the word "paramount" is miles above the vocabulary of most spammers.

If you are writing to praise me for being right, go on ahead.

If you are writing to threaten legal action, go fuck yourself.

If you are writing to request that I write about a topic that interests you, I'll probably just ignore it. I keep myself up-to-date with current events. I don't need some asshole telling me what to write about every time I open my inbox-- only to accuse me of intellectual property theft if I suffer a complete lapse of common sense by using their suggestions.

If you are writing to talk about your masturbation habits or what kind of porn you're into, promptly format your computer.

If you are a member of the press or media, I suggest moving on to a higher-profile website. If you're persistent, and your news day is that slow, please put PRESS INQUIRY in the subject line of your email.

Please read the entire FAQ before you email me!

If you still feel that sending me an email is a good idea, my email address is kobrasrealm@gmail.com. You can also find it on the bottom of every page on my website.

Think you've spotted me on a social networking site but aren't sure? Consult the list!