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I Encourage You All to Kill the Creators of Madden
I was searching up "Kobra's Corner" on Google earlier today to see if anyone referred to it on some shitty blog and attached some self-righteous message like "This guy writes mean, cruel, hateful things on his website!" Of course it would make no difference, as nobody would ever read that person's blog. But it's still good to know that there are people (I use this term loosely) out there that are stupid enough disagree with you. It gives you a sense of satisfaction that you're superior to those worthless shitheads in every sense of the word.
Throughout my quest, I came across something atrocious. Someone else had something they called "Kobra's Corner." I thought about it for a second, then concluded that it must be something incredibly stupid... but curiousity got the best of me, and I clicked the link. What I discovered was not a mirror of my rantsite, nor was it a tribute to my godliness. But instead, it was an editorial about the series of football games, Madden!
If it were any other game, I would not be as outraged as I am, but Madden has to be the worst fucking idea a game designer ever thought of. For those of you who don't know what it is, sit down and I'm going to tell you a story.
Let me begin with a question. As technology advances, and ideas advance, would you expect our products to improve over time? The obvious answer is yes. Madden is the exception here. Madden is such a horrible fucking concept that it sets game designers back into the stone age. Why anyone would even buy this shit is beyond me.
Madden is a series of video games focused on American Football (not soccer, for you incompetent clots and/or people with too much pride to sully themselves in bullshit American traditions), with a newer and more aggrivating incarnation released every year. As if the game developers didn't make enough money for making one video game, now all they have to do is tweak somethings, change the default player rosters around a bit, maybe add another annoying hurdle to jump over like an "injury" system, and repackage it as an entirely new video game.
Now, some of you might send me a flood of emails parroting, "But Kobra, isn't modding an existing game and conning the ignorant football fans of America into buying it as a new game a good idea?" No, you fucking idiots. It may turn the game developers at Electronic Arts into fat pretentious bastards, but aside from those greedy, lazy coprophagous bitches, nothing good can come from flooding the market with bad video games.
I urge you all to walk over to Wal Mart and look at their selection of video games. There will be only three categories of video games that you'll find there.
1. The video games you already own.
This is pretty self-explanatory. If it's a good game, and you're on this website, then chances are you already own it/are renting it/illegally downloaded an ISO just before you left for Wal Mart and plan on picking up a USB controller while you're there because you either were too broke to buy one or your old one got damaged when you were stomping balls at Kingdom Hearts 2.
2. The sports games.
Nobody in their right mind would ever play these games on their own. The only good that can come of these atrocities to the gaming community and the economy would be the Xbox Live tournaments that you can play just to prove that you're a fucking loser with no life. Real men would play Halo 2 on Xbox Live... either that, or beat the shit out of computer nerds. Whatever.
3. The games based off Disney movies.
The rest of the shelf space will be filled with shitty "video games" that are nothing more than the entire movie they're based on with the added bonus of pointless mini games. I suppose these kind of games are good for playing when you're tired and want to fall asleep. Oh wait, they have NyQuil for that. Oh well, I guess all games based off movies are completely fucking stupid.
I would say we boycott all of these horrible video games, but it would do no good. Anyone who obeys my ordersreads my website is intelligent enough to differentiate between Kingdom Hearts II and Final Fantasy X-2, and wouldn't even consider buying a sports game or a game based on a Disney movie.
As for the rest of you, if the hypnotism doesn't take effect soon, I'll have to step up to Chloroform. If Darth Benedict XVI has taught us anything, it's "Don't resist the power of the dark side!"
C'mon, you know how jocks are. Apparently football is interesting enough to take up half of the average High School budget, so a video game about football must be imporatant enough for someone with decent programming skills to set up a website about, right?
I dont see the problem with sports games. If you dont like them, dont buy them. Pro Evolution Soccer is currently my favourite game for multiplayer fun. Either one from 2 to 5 will do. I agree with your point about games being repackaged with a slight tweak and an update, but this doesnt apply just to sports games.
... and besides the point: "Pro Evolution Soccer" sounds bad ass. It's not "ultra realistic and down-to-the-tee copy of the EXACT sport soccer"... it sounds like some creativity went into it. Therefore, I'd probably play that game.
Sports games, are fine; Sports Games meant to be exactly like a real game except that it's Horribly more boring, are not.
I think you guys might remember a Game Called "NFL Blitz 2000," That game, and it's Many Sequels (The Ones I've played) are awesome. I love being able to make a football game what it should be:
Knocking the Fuck out of the Other team with Flying Bodies!
Sure, you can do that on Normal Sports games, but it's much more lacking in the fun. I prefer a sports game that lives up to my unspoken moniker:
"You're guaranteed to win, as long as you can disqualify/Destroy the rest of the competition!"
Demolition/Race games, Free-for-all, Last-Man Standing. If a sport has that, I'm good to go!
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