What I (Probably) Hate About You

1. You think your opinion means something to me. Yes, you. Random religious douchebag who emails me unsolicited and poorly reasoned arguments for the existence of a higher power. Perhaps you wouldn't be so quick to defend religious apologists if their claims were sound or cogent. The more emotion you put into your worthless opinions, the less reason went into them and the less I care. And if your opinions were really so well reasoned, you wouldn't be wasting your time trying to convert people with shaky logic. You would just throw down with an irrefutably sound statement on your personal website that would enrage morons into sending you half-baked theories on the origin and meaning of life and existence. But you don't do that, I do that. So fuck you.
2. You're a holier-than-thou prick. You assume the moral high ground in each and every instance. Every religious person who emails me about their religious beliefs seems to pull this bullshit with me. So does practically every homophobe, racist, nationalist, sexist, or otherwise discriminatory asshole who thinks that a group with a slightly different nature should be exterminated or in any way treated as less than human. Perceived moral superiority and bigotry tend to go hand in hand-- you know, like those gay couples you hate and want to deprive access to the legal rights of a marriage, you insufferable douche.
3. You are an adult who gets caught up in teen drama. There's entirely way too much of this bullshit. If you're a parent, you owe it to yourself and especially to your children to treat any bullshit about other peoples' children with complete indifference unless it directly affects yours. If you're not a parent, you have no business giving a shit to begin with. Why are 30-somethings getting involved in the aftermath of high school relationships? There's no justification for that. Which brings me to another point:
4. You care entirely too much about the lives of other people. If you buy celebrity tabloids (or watch the "embarrassed celebrity" portion of every news show), spend way too much time trolling one harmless subculture past the point of hilarity, or are just a generic gossip hound, you are an idiot and you need to have apathy beaten into you.
5. You get misty-eyed and confused when a person you admire differs from your microcosm of popularity. Just because someone is "cool" doesn't mean they drink alcohol, smoke, do drugs, listen to the same music as you, like the same movies you do, read the same books you read, watch the same shows on television that you do, or agree with any of your religious or political views. Stop being so fucking shocked to hear this. It isn't that startling of a revelation if you aren't assuming and projecting left and right.
6. You condemn anyone visibly different than you, which is just fucking stupid since everyone is different and "well, I can't perceive the differences" isn't exactly a valid basis for acceptance.
7. You lack honor and integrity. You're willing to compromise your core values to make a quick buck off your shitty blog. Or more likely, you don't have any core values aside from selfishness.
8. You expect others to dig into their own pockets to compensate for your laziness. Too lazy to earn money? Go without money. Stop soliciting donations, asshole. You're not important enough for society to keep around despite doing nothing productive for society. Next time a homeless fuck asks me for money, I'm going to stab him in the liver, take his collection pail, and scatter its contents into a crowd of teenagers. The way I see it is that if they're really a Vietnam veteran like every 30-something deadbeat claims to be, they would have enough combat training to avoid a shiv or twenty.
9. You don't know how to take a fucking joke. Anyone who read the previous list item and thought, "Oh my god, Kobra's going to murder the less fortunate!" is an idiot. It's not murder; they don't have rights.
10. You email me saying I should update Kobra's Corner, but when I say, "Okay, what should I write about?" you give me a fucking blank stare or fire off a list of things I've written about years ago.