Thinking About Moving To Lee County, Florida? Read This and Reconsider.

Here's why:

• The AARP Empire Lee County doesn't give a shit about anyone under the age of 62.

  Fact: Fort Myers is the most criminally boring city in all of Florida. Don't believe me? Let's examine a list of "attractions" as supplied by Google (sans the places looking to sell you something).

  1. Edison Ford Winter Estate - This is the #1 attraction of Fort Myers? Yawn. I have lived in Lee County for 16 years and I have never once felt like visiting this shitpile. What's the point? To see the artifacts and dwellings of that invention-stealing scumbag Thomas Alva Edison and his criminal buddies? I'll pass, and you should too. Plagiarism happens everyday; what makes Edison so special?
  2. Imaginarium Hands-On Museum & Aquarium - What's the point of visiting a museum when you live in a state inhabited predominantly by fossils?
  3. Calusa Nature Center-Planetarium - This place actually wasn't too shitty when I was dragged into it in elementary school, but the Planetarium's quality probably went out the window with our school system's science standards.
  4. Lee County Parks & Recreation‎ - Right, because instead of going to a fucking park (they're all pretty much the same with few exceptions), you have nothing better to do than go to the Parks & Recreation headquarters and waste several otherwise productive hours talking to the managerial janitors and landscapers that run the damn places.
  5. Shell Factory - I often ask myself, "Are there are people dumb enough to pay money for what they can find on the beach less than 10 miles away?" Yes, there are.
  6. Fleamasters Music Hall - Yes, a flea market ran by rubes who hire shitty bands to play in a "room" with the shittiest acoustics imaginable to an audience of plastic chairs and their family members is an attraction. If I was a band member and our manager told us we were going to be playing at Fleamasters, I would castrate him with a letter opener.
  7. Centennial Park - Let me dispel any misconceptions you might have about Centennial Park: I've taken shits that were more interesting than that place on any given day. Nearly half of the place is within 20 feet of a moderately busy road and the only things to look at or do include a run-down playground for small children, a poorly-maintained volleyball court so close to the road that I have dubbed the place "Vehicular Manslaughter Court," and a foul-smelling statue fountain of Thomas Edison and his two lackies.
  8. Southwest Florida Museum of History - Another fucking museum. Big fucking surprise. This entire goddamn state is stuck 20 years in the past, with some parts in the pre-Cambrian. I know! Let's walk around and look at old shit for 6 hours. It's not like this entire city is filled with old shit (and people).

  Nowhere on any tourist attraction list will you find an attraction for the people who really matter: college students. If you're between 18 and 20 in Lee County, you have many long, boring weekends to look forward to. Nobody wants consumers in our age demographic. And when you finally make it to 21, your options become getting drunk and looking at naked skanks who have seen more dick than a urinal. Our "dance clubs" are places where evidently deaf DJs blast hip-hop asynchronously with their stage lights and people either spend the evening getting drunk or sizing up their egos. Retard fights are inevitable.

• There is no middle class in Lee County.

  Due to Lee County's status as an ineffective tourist trap, there isn't a semblance of a middle class to be found within county limits. Instead, we have the "working class," consisting of people who work for peanuts running the services used and abused by tourists and the rich, ancient bastards who visit stores just to rub in the fact that they're still alive-- driven entirely by spite towards young people.

  As a result, the only jobs you can find in this rotting corpse of a county are entry-level minimum wage jobs that cater to the elderly. It's no surprise that Lee County has a 14% unemployment rate right now. All the money that could go into hiring people is pissed away on making sure that Jerry Atrix and Miss Andry get their free senior coffee.

• Lee County is supersaturated with religion.

  Wearing it on your sleeve is an understatement when it comes to the evangelical douchebags that populate the area. Just take a look at this prime example of pious bullshit:

  
  Click for the original image.

  Just bask in that cheesy lens flare and let the lazy backronym sink in. This is the kind of bullshit I encounter every fucking day in this county. Christ Jesus? Really? You're not even going to use a comma? This company is bullshit. What does Christ Jesus have to do with being an electrician anyway? Their company name is as frivolous as trying to sue radio for discriminating against deaf people.

Stay out of Lee County, Florida. You'll be much happier if you do. Don't even stop for gas. The swampy Everglades is a better choice than this festering shitpile of a county.