Social Archetypes That Annoy Me

The Arrogant Aggressor

The arrogant aggressor can kick everyone's ass, or so he insists on claiming every 15 seconds when not listing an overinflated list of his martial arts or sports accomplishments or going into twenty minute monologues about thirty second fights in which he only mentions the details that sound impressive. The arrogant aggressor has never stopped to consider that people aren't impressed by arid, one-sided narratives about barfights that do not and never will have any impact on his uncaptivated audience.

The arrogant aggressor is destined to die at the hands of a younger, more arrogant aggressor on the way home from his 30 year anniversary as the assistant manager of McDonald's. He will be survived by his mother, who weeps as she cleans his boxes of worthless sports memorabilia of her basement, and twenty pets of varying species.

Similar to the Arrogant Aggressor, the Trigger-Happy Trooper is a testosterone-driven dumbass. His only ambition in life is to join the military so he can shoot people with impunity. Trigger-Happy Troopers usually join JROTC in high school and whittle their days away talking about guns, missiles, cars, sports, and how big their penis is(n't). Not to be confused with people who join the military for honorable reasons (national defense, educational opportunities, et al.). One day, the Trigger-Happy Trooper will die from an infection contracted masturbating to pictures of bullet wounds while working at a sewage treatment center for minimum wage after getting kicked out of the Army.

The Unblinking Imbecile is a person of either gender who will do something rude like hit a stranger in the head with a plastic sword then give them the deer-in-the-headlights look for two minutes while the other person angrily queries them for an apology, an explanation, or to get the hell away. When their puny mind finally remembers to blink, they will repeat attempt to repeat the social transgression and wake up three days later with the remains of my boot and their innards sitting in a jar by their hospital bed.

The Control Freak is a person who tries to micromanage dynamic situations with many variables that involve lots of people to fit what they want without compromise and with absolute disregard for the consequences of their excessive meddling. Control Freaks often spout stupid mottos like, "My way or the highway"-- to which the only appropriate response is to throw them head-first from a moving vehicle at 65 mph while screaming, "You don't get to have your way, asshole!"

The Moronic Mastermind is the kind of person who thinks of obvious solutions and immediately labels their ideas as clever and inventive. They try to emulate the "evil genius" persona and fail miserably at it on every level. Their intricate plots tend to consist of what everyone else is already doing without putting significant effort or back-patting into it.

The Passive Pissant is every shy, cowardly, and whiny prick who, in lieu of saying, "Can I borrow a dollar?" will sit next to you for four hours talking about how bad their finances are in the hopes that you will offer them a hand-out. These pathologically indirect pussies go out of their way to waste as much time as possible so long as it doesn't inconvenience them by asking a fucking question, and when you finally get fed up with their bullshit, they unload a few silos of passive aggressive bullshit on you.

The Fanatical Freak has exactly one interest in life, and he never talks about anything else. Subcategories of this include the Halo Freak, the Warcraft Addict, the Narutard, and the Sports Fan. Oh man, I especially hate sports fans, with their obnoxiously fake masculinity and uncontrollable compulsion to shout at a rectangular image of events happening thousands of miles away. How do people with only one interest relate to anyone else for long enough to get laid and spawn more fanatics? This puzzles me.

The Proselytizing Prick is religious. No, that doesn't quite do it justice. Not only is this person religious, but they are so religious that they believe that the Earth is a few thousand years old (and that science is just a global conspiracy against their personal beliefs) and actively pray that all life on earth be extinguished tomorrow. But that's not all, the Proselytizing Prick also makes it their personal mission in life to convert YOU to their cult religion. They will go out of their way to convince you that you're living a "sinful" lifestyle that is offensive to an entity capable of creating the entire fucking universe despite not being struck by lightning once per week. Real convincing.

The Stupid Slut has no business being in the third grade, let alone high school. She just doesn't grasp the incredibly difficult concepts of... basic arithmetic. But she needs those Algebra credits to get her degree which relies heavily on rudimentary mathematical skills in order to succeed in the world! So instead of biting the bullet and studying, she opts instead to bite the pillow and have a passing grade handed to her. Fast forward to college, and she is whoring herself out to pass her online classes. No wonder associates degrees are so diluted with failure these days.