|
I've been exposed to a lot of stupid bullshit lately. We're talking kilogray-scale idion exposure. (An idion is a hypothetical subatomic particle that regulates the distribution of idiocy. Idions can be found in nature, and are mined from FOX news stations.) It should come as no surprise that most of it has come from the television.
First on the chopping block is the History Channel. I used to like the History Channel, but lately a question has been nagging at me whenever I have the misfortune of walking by the television when it's tuned in: Where's the fucking history?
Axe men, Ice Road Truckers, Pawn Stars, Sliced, American Pickers, the list goes on. These aren't historical shows, they're reality fucking television. When I turn on the History channel, I want to know what happened during King Cnut's siege of London in 1016. Or the Battle of Toba-Fushimi in 1868. I really don't give a shit if some rednecked high school drop-out is able to cut down more trees than his rival/drinking buddy on the other side of the forest. This shit doesn't belong on the History Channel. Either dump it on the Discovery Channel or give this shit its own channel: "Slightly HIstorical reality TeleVision." Or SHITV for short.
Another television entity that should meet the business end of a megawatt laser is the latest Men's Wearhouse commercial. It goes something like this:
On your wedding day, when everyone is looking at her, she'll be looking at you. So rent your tuxedo at Men's Wearhouse, and look almost as good as she does.
There you have it guys: No matter how attractive you might be and no matter how ugly she might be, you will only ever be almost as good looking as her. What's wrong with the fucking idiots who wrote this commercial? Are guys not allowed to have a positive self-image? Why must we instead pander to the insecurity and narcissism of impressionable women by having commercials that tell men they can aspire to look "almost as good as she does?" While we're at it, why don't we make commercials for online universities that tells women they can hope to "earn almost as much as he does?" Oh wait, that would be sexist. These shitty commercials are shallow, vain, psychological manipulation and serve only to reinforce sexual stereotypes amongst the willfully uneducated.
Speaking of sexual sterotypes, let's take a look at the most pointlessly controversial sexual issue in America: homosexuality. I don't know what psychological needs are satisfied by allegedly heterosexual men and women obsessing for hours at a time about what the gays are doing, but their homophobia is clearly not healthy. Nor is it well-founded. The root of most cases of homophobia is narcissism: The belief that, "Because that person is gay, they will try to have sex with me."
Newsflash: You aren't irresistably sexy. Get over yourself.
I know three paragraph breaks ago I said that guys deserve to feel good about their appearance, but be fucking reasonable. Every gay man on the planet does not want to suck YOUR dick. And for the ladies: every lesbian on the planet does not want to lick YOUR pussy. If they approach you, just say, "I'm not interested." Any sane person will stop pursuing the possibility of getting in bed with you then and there and anyone else has more justifiable reasons to be punched in the throat than an affinity for the cock or bush.
Back on the subject of shitty television commercials, someone needs to tell JG Wentworth their commercial sucks.
This commercial is seriously loud enough to make heavy metal bands feel inadequate. One time this commercial came on the air while the televison was muted and my deaf neighbor called in a noise complaint. Turn the fucking volume down and make your shitty actors actually look at the fucking camera.
I don't watch much television, and every time I do I am reminded of why I usually don't.
|
