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I Need a TV Show
Fact: I Deserve and Need My Own TV News Show
Even all of my teachers, who are usually more reluctant to admit my godlike superiority, admitted that if I had my own TV news show it would stomp balls. I don't mean like Dawn of the Dead ball stompage, but more of like an omnipotent boot launched towards a hippy's nuts at 99% Light Speed. I'm talking about some serious damage, folks.
What would it be about? News, of course. Only I wouldn't water shit down like all of those pussies who run regular news shows do. For example, here's what a normal reporter and I would say about a road expansion plan.
Reporter:
The County Board has approved $6.5 Million for road expansions to lower the area's vehical mortality rate. In other news...
Me:
The County Board has approved $6.5 Million for road expansions to lower the area's vehical mortality rate. To be honest, that's a fucking waste of our tax dollars. It would be more effective to spend the money on something else and just beat the living dogshit out of people who commit minor traffic violations. They will get beat twice if they're some young teenage punk who thinks he's a badass for driving like a dumbass. Then we could lower Insurance rates for safe drivers even further. My idea has the advantage of being effective and economic, but the County Board's plan is okay too, if you're a pacifist hippy who wants the world to be all safe and user friendly. You make me sick! In other news...
And if I don't ever get so much as a pilot, I'll just run for Governor and make a shitload of Propaganda commercials with a similar format. Man, that would fucking rule. I would rock everyone's socks with my awesome propaganda. No more boring "These are the reasons why my opponent is unfit for the job" commercials. My commercial will go something like this:
I'm Kobra, and I'm running for Vice DeityGovernor. Some of you may be considering voting ex-Senator Douchebag for Governor. Bad move! Pay attention: ex-Senator Douchebag is what we call a nimrod. He hasn't enough brains to wipe his own ass, let alone govern the entire state of Florida. I'm not exactly Einstein myself, but I can do a better job than ex-Senator Douchebag. Remember: Vote Kobra for Governor.
I know you all can't wait until I start airing my campaign, but I probably won't be legally old enough to run for Governor for, uh... a while. I don't know the prerequisites and I'll be damned if I'm gonna look it up right now, but rest assured. I will run for Governor, so try not to die of blue balls when I start airing my sexy* face across Florida.
I need to think of a catchy name, lose some weight, get buff, buy some tuxedos, and practice talking in front of a camera.
Either that, or say fuck it and go as is. I'm not trying to be like some attractive, shallow reporter whose great skill is looking pretty and reading a teleprompter, anyway.
I would make really gnarly propaganda commercials against your opponents.
"Vote Kobra for senator because Jeb Bush eats new born puppies, would you eat a new born puppie, no? Then why vote for a man who does....... and what really maters. His political views? Who cares, all they are are just unrealistic goals that they tell us they can achieve in order to gain some votes. So be smart..... vote for the guy who doesn't eat puppies."
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