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I know what you're all thinking. "Why hasn't Kobra done a mailbag update in 9 months? I emailed him a few months ago!" There's a reason: You are all insufferably boring and I get tired of people saying the same god damn thing over and over again. I don't care about your personal anecdotes and shit. If I did, I would tell you to set up a blog so I could read it every day. But I don't do that. Why? Because I don't give a shit.
It's not that I don't appreciate the occasional "Keep writing! Here's a funny story that one of your rants makes me remember:" email. I have no problem with those. I'll even read most of them provided they are well-written. But these emails are not mailbag material. What qualifies as mailbag material?
- A question or query regarding my website, me, or my writing in general. Make them really personal for all I care. I'm the one who decides what gets posted anyway, so it's not like you're going to offend me.
- Anything so rich with satire that I can't not post it.
Or, hell, read the previous editions of the Mailbag to get an idea of what has qualified in the past.
With that said, on with the email.
From: Ninja Viking
Date: Tue, Jun 23, 2009 at 2:12 PM
Subject: Hey, you!
Hello voodookobra,
Or should I say, SCOTT? That is right, I found out your name. I am good at internet. I bet I can guess your ancestry and shit because I'm pretty good with that shit too. Gratuitous insult. You must be really surprised because the information I found out about you is crazy accurate. Let me inform you as to how I came by all this information. I Googled it. Additionally, I insult your face. I attached some shit. Nervous?
Okay, idiot mockery is finished for now. Just wondering, is this guy for reals? Anyone who emails you gets your name in the response, and this dickhole thinks he's special cuz he managed the oh-so-difficult task of digging up common information? If you hadn't already written him a response, I'd ask you to send him a 'fuck you' on my behalf. I had some shithead try blackmailing me out of writing 8 or 9 months ago too, something about sending pieces of my work to 'the government,' to get me arrested for some law he made up. Yep, that was his leverage. Also, he had my whole first name! Yes, he figured out I'm 'Jon.' Never mind that my name was mentioned in the goddamned FAQ of the website. And he thought he made this awesome discovery.
So yeah, I feel your pain. Fucksticks like these guys need to get bent, badly.
Regards,
NV
From: Eugene Dopuda
Date: Sun, Jun 21, 2009 at 9:04 PM
Subject: [Fwd: Hey You]
Thought I'd forward you on my response to the prick who sent you your recent hate mail.
Dear worthless piece of shit,
Sigh. I truly wish stupidity was a capitol crime. If it were, you'd be sentenced to death, and the world would enjoy a boost to the average IQ.
Seriously, who do you think you are? Your poor attempt to blackmail Kobra ultimately served as a representation of your clearly lacking intelligence. Kobra's opinions are just that, opinions (well justified opinions, to be sure, but the mentally challenged would disagree). To think that you might use low cunning and your primal skill of intimidation to make a pitiful attempt to shut down a well written expression of opinion only further brands you as one of the most arrogant people in the world. People such as you, who are so ignorant they believe their way of thinking is the only way that is right do not deserve a place in society.
As a side note, you claim Kobra must have never "performed" with another. Tell me, Mr. Player, with all your pimping, and partying, etc, where do you find the time to make such mockeries of blackmail? To use a search engine (truly a great accomplishment) to find pictures of a non-imposing webmaster? You are merely an insecure prick, with nothing better to do than impose your way on others. GO DIE.
-Eugene Dopuda
PS. I just saved you some valuable time by writing my name down, since it's such a hard thing to do to look at the sender of an e-mail. It's how you used your amazing hacking skills to find Kobra's name, eh?
These are both reader responses to a piece of hate mail I received the other day. I have nothing to say about either of them, other than that they are pretty amusing.
From: Tyler Duggan
Date: Tue, Jun 16, 2009 at 1:40 AM
Subject: Dear Kobra
Dear Kobra,
I am a sincerely interested fan.
I want to get your own personal status update on the job that President Barack Obama has done thus far. While some choices I naturally disagree with, as would anyone with any president, he can't appease an entire nation with one swift hand, I do approve of the majority of his choices. I was wondering (well hoping) you share some of these sentiments.
On a side note, does the republican party have *any* hope of finding someone classy enough to ever be president again, or is this the next dead, regional party.
I realize you are busy, I simply ask because I love to see activity on your site and I am a huge fan of your eager rants and tirades against oppression and ignorance.
Sincerely yours,
Avid Fan and Reader, Ty
I'm a bit embarrassed to say that I have not watched the news, or any television for a period of time longer than 5 minutes, since early March. I also have neglected to check CNN as obsessively as I used to. I'm burned out on the news media. As a result, I really don't have a good grasp of how things are going on a national level right now. Personally, things have improved since December, when personal finances were at their worst for me.
From what I do know, however, the current state of the economy is outside of the boundaries indicated by the Economic Recovery Plan.
Irrespective to political identities, I think everyone can agree that something is not quite working the way it was planned. Maybe the economists underestimated the magnitude of consumer expectation when they made that graph. I don't know. What I do know is that we need to shut up with the political mantras, the bickering, and the other stupid shit and have a meeting of academics-- NOT POLITICIANS-- and let them decide a solution for fixing the economy.
It doesn't help that our Congress is populated by completely uncooperative Republican douchebags and Democrats who say, "Hey guys, let's get along. Come on, join us. We'll compromise on our sensible ideas to try to win you over while not compromising on some of our more inane liberal bullshit like taxes on grocery bags and other such crap. Please? We'll still let you discriminate against the gays. What do you say?" I understand not looking tyrannical, but the fucking Republicans are uncompromising when they have a majority. Compromising for the sake of fair play is NOT fair play when only one side is doing it, and even less so when it's done selectively.
This is, of course, based on everything reported in the news before March and a few tidbits here and there from CNN's website since then. I might not have the full picture, but that's how I feel about Obama's administration and the current state of the political parties. Congress's priorities are a bit backwards, but that's always true for our government.
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