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With college sucking away all my free time, I've been neglecting updates on Kobra's Corner. Because of this, I haven't received as many mailbag-worthy emails as I usually do, although some jerk-off did try to sign me up for a few dozen mailing lists. Unfortunately for him, one of these mailing lists sent me his IP address, which allowed me to figure out how he ended up on my page in the first place and get a rough estimate of where he lives. (And yes, "he." It's a 33 year-old dude with a stick up his ass.)
Here's a few emails that, upon scrolling through pages upon pages of crap in my inbox, seem worthy of posting.
From: David ---
Date: Sun, Sep 21, 2008 at 6:36 PM
Subject: Oh, btw...
You know how you said, "Why hasn't anyone said I'm a ripoff of George Carlin?"
Guess what. I know someone who did. I showed him a couple of articles, and he said, "This guy's a ripoff of George Carlin."
Well, actually, he said this a couple of weeks before you said that on your site. I just witheld it from you until now.
Well, I'll be damned. In an earlier email, David asked me, "I noticed at KobrasCorner you have a link to RoosterTeeth, and that makes me wonder...are you a fan of Red Vs Blue?"
Hell yes! It's not easy to get a link to your website on the bottom of my page. Your content has to kick enough ass to warrant me visiting it at least every other day. If a website is linked there, you can guarantee that I enjoy the content.
From: Nels Huso
Date: Sat, Sep 6, 2008 at 4:54 PM
Subject: Root of a phrase
A buddy and I were talking and one of us used the phrase ‘get your ass handed to you’ and we were curious where the phrase came from? If it’s a waste of your time, I apologize and say to move on. Thank you.
~ Guy
This is unprecedented: Someone actually emails me with a legitimate, irrelevant question. People must think I'm an expert or something. I'm not sure of the phrase's exact origins, but it's derived from "getting your ass kicked."
From: eoin brady
Date: Thu, Sep 4, 2008 at 1:04 PM
Subject: (no subject)
Dear whoever the fuck you are,
Get cancer.
I responded, I'd love to, but there are so many better deathly afflictions one can get. Why should I be restricted to cancer? Why not AIDS, or MRSA, or the drug-resistant strain of Tuberculosis? and they conceded to my superior wit.
From: Brett Williamson
Date: Sun, Aug 24, 2008 at 2:44 PM
Subject: Kobra
You're horrible! Your guide to image board terms are purposely all wrong! I wonder how many u've led into a board looking for cp thinking they're asking for cute pictures! fucking hilarious! doesn't help this noob know some of the terms I haven't figured out for myself though...
De-noobify yourself.
From: Matthew anderson
Date: Tue, Aug 12, 2008 at 2:19 PM
Subject: TJCN Topsite
Hi.
My name is Juggalo_king and Canna and my self was just woundering if you would be interested in Putting your site on are Topsite page http://topsite.tjcnetwork.us/. Ty for reading this and have a nice day..
Juggalo_king
This person clearly does not read my web site.
From: Jonathan Gollan
Date: Fri, Aug 8, 2008 at 10:50 PM
Subject: Feedback
On the people who annoy you subject about the creationists and the banana theory proving the existence of a creator.
The banana we eat is actually made entirely by science, normal bananas have thick black seeds in the center that render it completely inedible. Science renders the fruit sterile, so no seeds grow and thus we have the fruit we all love. So the people who say it must've been made by god are even stupider than first suspected.
Also, your site is awesome, etc.
I guess this means the banana was intelligently designed... by some old duffer in a lab coat.
From: Jason Nelson
Date: Fri, Aug 8, 2008 at 12:33 PM
Subject: Christians
I wish you would meet some decent ones so you would stop hating them so much.
Sinceraly,
Jason
I wish you would get cancer so you would stop emailing me.
Sinceraly,
Kobra
P.S. I don't hate Christians. Well, not exclusively. I'm an equal opportunist.
If you want next month's update to not suck so bad, email me sometime throughout October. I turn 19 on the 12th, if you're uncreative and want to ask me all the stereotypical questions associated with that.
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