Are you white and completely devoid of talent? Why not rap?

It seems to me that, every day, more and more no-talent losers with dry, cackled voices and no sense of rhythm decide to start a career as an untalented white rapper. I'd blame Eminem for it, but I know that even if he were erased from history, someone else would've become the idol of thousands of future high school drop-outs.

With so many doppelganger artists performing one genre of music, one would expect to find a wide variety of styles and talents. Sadly, this is not the case for untalented wanna-be rap artists. Diversity does not exist amongst the masses of Eminem clones and "thug life" white boys. Every rap song produced by one of these hacks will sound exactly like every other song produced by every other hack. It's gotten to the point where I can dissect the lyrics of the average shitty rap song and then safely apply the same dissection to every other "underground" rap song in existence. Don't believe me?

Here's the anatomy of a rap song, and how it makes the listener feel:

Yeeeeahh. (repeat ad nauseum)
No. Shut the hell up.
My name is (INSERT NAME HERE) and I'm a G.
You'll be a cadaver if you keep pissing me off.
Guns, bling, hoes, drugs, money, power, respect, drive-by shootings, gang activity
Quit dreaming, bitch-boy. You'll be lucky to move out of your mom's basement.
(Silence while a repetitive cacophony of a drumloop plays.)
(Because music is meant to be monotonous, right?)
(Obligatory cameo by a black guy stuck in the Matrix phase.)
You're not Morpheus. Stop talking.
(Flaunting of luxuries the artist lacks.)
Ooh. A stage prop necklace. How impressive, you superficial cock!
(Statement asserting the artist's superiority.)
Well I'm convinced.
Dat's how I roll.
Now let's try showing everyone how you roll down an endless flight of stairs.
(Chorus, several times, to lengthen the song without adding content.)
No commentary needed on this one.
(Religious references.)
Because all Gods advocate gang activity, drug use, rape, murder, and spousal abuse.
Nigga
Thrown in a few hundred times for good measure, this word makes up the meat of most rap songs since it's used every two words (on average).
(Ambiguous Slang)
Even the words that aren't "nigga" are usually only understood by local citizens or die-hard fans. Nobody in America knows what "This is cool as" means (I'm talking to you, Australian rappers!) so I'm sure nobody outside of the county you live in has the slightest idea of what you're talking about. If you want to get national attention, you need to communicate using words the entire nation can understand, dipshit. The same goes for international attention (though you only have to consider English-speaking countries since non-English speaking countries probably aren't interested in your dog-shit music anyways)
A general rule of thumb to decide whether or not a rap artist is worth listening to or not, is to listen to one of their songs and see how many of these points were dead-on. If they hit more than 5 points, the rest of the album probably isn't worth listening to. You may find that every rap song you own hits at least 6 points. This is normal. All it indicates is that you have poor taste in music and, if you ever decide to start a career as an untalented rap artist, you'll probably fare horribly (read: just as bad as everyone else who sucks at it.)

Even my brother, a decent rap artist, hates your guts. You cheapen the quality of an already cheap genre of music, then turn around and listen to these shitty songs with the Bass turned all the way up so you can drown out the artist's shitty voice with vibrations. If you want to feel vibrations that bad, go to an adult toy store you closet homos!

4,717 talentless rap "artists" love this website.
Contact me: kobrasrealm@gmail.com

Want more? Go back to Kobra's Corner. Also, check out what I think of the fans of this horse shit.