General Angry Mob Avoidance

A general rule of thumb is to keep at least two feet of distance between you and everyone else in the room. Avoid eye contact with anyone you don't want to speak to, and don't speak unless spoken to. If you have friends in the room, it's perfectly fine to talk to them, and that's the only exception. If anyone violates these rules, you don't have to respect their personal space. In fact, everyone will think less of you if you don't put them in a headlock and make them eat dirt.

If something is funny, then laugh. If something is so funny that you have to emit a high-pitched succession of cackling, side-splitting laughter, then put a fucking sock in it. If anything is that funny, everyone else would be laughing except for the person who just got crushed by a 500 lb. girl that just fell through the ceiling. But we're not, so shut the hell up and go back to crying yourself to sleep, you worthless fat whale of a pussy.

Never glare at anyone. It makes you look like you've got a horse's dick shoved up your ass and/or you're constipated. If someone glares at you, give them a reason to have that look by shoving your foot so far up their ass that only a qualified surgeon can remove it. Unless they're into that sort of thing. Then a pool stick across the back of the knees will do the trick.

The hallways in buildings are for moving. Don't stand in one place and admire the scenery. Immediately go from point A to point B without hesitation. You'll have all the time in the world to sit on your ass in your cubicle, and it's better if you do so out of everyone else's way. If you must stare at the sky, stand out of the main walkway. Otherwise, you'll get mowed over and trampled to death out of spite. Which leads into my next piece of advice...

Avoiding Road-Rage On the Streets

I don't know how many times I've heard my dad yell, "Drive Stupid!" or mutter "God damn non-driving mother fuckers," but one person alone obviously can't get the point across (but that won't stop him from trying). If you're on the road, you're there to drive. Don't sit there uncertain of whether or not you're gonna make the light because you can't pull your head out of your ass and drive at the speed limit. Put your foot on the damn accelerator and run the yellow.

Notice the careful use of the word "driver." A driver is someone who is doing exactly that: driving. It's so deceptively simple that most of the idiots out there can't grasp the concept. Anyone who fails to drive is a "non-driving piece of shit" and should be treated like one. Cut him off, box him in on the freeway to make him miss his exit, and yell random obscenities out the window at him. Or "her." Women drive just as badly- if not worse- than most men do.

Oh no, someone just got into a car wreck! What do you do? You keep going and bitch smack anyone who stops to look at the scene for causing onlooker delay. If they're really interested in seeing a mangled corpse that badly, follow them home and slaughter and cannibalize their family. They'll learn real fast that a cadaver isn't worth holding up traffic for, unless of course they want to become one.

Avoiding Riots on Campus (High-School Students: Pay Attention)

If by some miracle you get a girlfriend, you're probably guilty of standing in the middle of the hallway sucking her mouth for twenty minutes, blocking traffic and making people vomit the whole time. You're not a movie star. It doesn't look sexy when you french-kiss someone. Put your dick back in your pants, and save that shit for home. If you prioritize sex over your education, why bother even showing up for class? Do us a favor and drop out already.

I don't consider myself a violent person, but I get overwhelmed with violent thoughts every time the preppy, shallow girls in my English class ask the teacher questions that she's been answering for the past twenty minutes. School isn't meant to be a friendly environment for every dipshit who "doesn't get it." School is meant to be cruel, callous, hard, and unforgiving. If you can't take the heat, TOUGH SHIT. Get a job as a fry cook and leave the thinking to the people who didn't waste their early years of development singling people out for being a deviant. They don't pay teachers the wages they do so they can listen to your whining. They pay them the wages they do because the government is cheap!

Shopping Centers, Stores, and Places of Business

Writing a Check is the slowest way you can pay for your groceries. I can stand around and not hit the F3 key for a Debit charge for ten minutes and the server could be busy- doesn't matter. Checks are way too fucking slow to be considered modern. If you write a check, and especially if you write out the entire date, you will be cup-checked. Or, if you're a woman, you'll receive an uppercut to the uterus. If you happen to be pregnant and the time, and optimistic, at least you won't spend the next eighteen years of your life chained to a desk to feed your ungrateful angsty little brat.

If you happen to shop at the store I work at, and wonder if I hate your guts because you ran out to your car because you didn't bring enough money that one time: rest assured, I do. If you feel that you need to grab more money, do it before you get in line so you don't hold everyone in the fucking store up. This ties in with my next point.

Some stores don't accept certain credit cards. Some stores only accept debit from certain kinds of cards. Most Visa and MasterCard cards can function as either, but there are exceptions to the rule. If you don't see a sign that says "We Accept MasterCard," then guess what! We don't accept it. If you don't know, ask. Chances are, the guy behind the register knows what works and what doesn't.