With that said, it would be impossible for me to list every celebrity that I hate, but I can at least list the major offenders (read: offending our good taste). I write this with the hope that news reporters will one day read this and realize nobody cares about bullshit celebrity news. I know it will never happen, but that won't stop me from trying.

1. Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise is an asshole because he advocates a religion founded by a science fiction writer.

Russell Crow got pissy and threw a telephone at a hotel employee. In response to this, his career got bolstered by several weeks of continuous media coverage. Yeah, what a crazy, out-of-control rebel he must be. I know four year-olds who are way more badass than he ever will be, and that's not saying much.

Let the dumb bitch rot in silence.

Some people will do anything for attention. Brittany's willing to do anything for detention as well. Fuck shaving your head, shave your nasty fucking snatch or at the very least, douche it in-between sleeping with inbred losers and divorcing them after two days of marriage.

Another stupid cunt who's always in the spotlight. Throw the bitch a tampon and a cucumber.

I wish this cranky banshee would slip and the dildo would rupture her intestines.

The idols of every pot-smoking, knuckle-dragging hip wankster. Someone needs to rip their gold teeth out, put them in a sock with $100 in quarters, and beat them with it.

I can't stand this pompous, patronizing old hag. She's always flaunting her fortune and acting so self-righteous when, in reality, she's just another irritable, shallow TV personality. The funny thing about TV personalities is that, outside of TV, they don't tend to have any personality of their own.

The newspaper headlines today read "Meet the new $100 Million men. Four new baseball players with $100 Million contracts. But will they be worth the money?" Immediate obvious answer: Hell no. How can you justify spending hundreds of millions of dollars to support a dumbass who's only skills are put to the test when he hits a ball and runs like a bitch?

Keanu Reeves is a hero to Drama failures everywhere. His message is simple: it doesn't matter how much talent you lack, you can still get a job in Hollywood.

I'm tired of these motherfuckin' celebrities, on this mother-fucking media!

For two months, CNN went crazy about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. What a waste of airtime and bandwidth. I could've made better use of it if I just posted a loop of tub-girl on CNN.com for two consecutive months.

This guy's a pompous asshole, right up there with Russell Crow.

Host of the popular (and therefore dog-shit) MTV show, Pimp My Ride. This guy is practically begging to be kicked in the teeth.

She can raise her voice to unbelievable octaves while being choked. I dream about this every night!

Do I really have to explain this one? Argh!