On Mother's Day, people traditionally give their mother a present (whether it be something half-assed like a Hallmark card or a piece of jewelry). However, I'm taking this a step further and giving a present to mothers everywhere! Hazzah! In addition, this also applies to future mothers, grandmothers, and anyone else who thinks that this editorial may be directed at them in part or in whole. I present to you:
The Remedy for Your Bad Parenting Skills
No matter how many glaringly obvious it may seem, alot of prospective parents never consider this minor yet vital facet of parenting: DISCIPLINE.
Let me drill this into your head for you: keeping your snot-nosed shit-eater under control isn't going to get the Department of Children and Families (DCF) knocking on your door. There is no compelling reason for anyone to be afraid of disciplining their child. Not even if you're a pacifist, tree-hugging vegan hippy.
The first step in keeping your child well-disciplined is to avoid it completely. How do you keep your child from getting out of line? There are a couple of ways. One is by teaching them better before they have to learn the hard way. The other is not letting them learn the word "no" at a young age-- something that single parents nowadays are famous for doing. But since you're reading this, it's probably too late for you, isn't it? Moving on...
The most important thing about disciplining your child, other than not being afraid of doing so, is to know when it's necessary and to what extent. Sucker-punching them for asking to use the bathroom is abuse, while telling them to stand in the corner for attacking their siblings with an aluminum bat is being a doormat. A general rule of thumb is to base the discipline based on how embarrassed you would feel if 100 people just watched what your child did (and know it's YOUR child) and to adjust this based on the situation. Another thing to keep in mind is the intent of the child. If they're trying to get attention or they're playing the "GIMME!" game, a quick swat across the ass will set them straight.
When your kids reach the preteen ages, you need to up the ante. When your kids reach the rebellious teenager age, you need to up the arsenal. And when your kids reach the young adult age, you need to up their ass onto the curb.
You're probably thinking, "What are the benefits of setting my little shit-monger straight?" Good question! Most "emo" kids dye their hair, get a fuck-ton of piercings, wear women's clothes, and experiment with sex and drugs because their parents aren't assertive enough. Most gang members wouldn't be where they are had their parents kept them in line.
That's my mother's day present to all of the mothers out there who are too fucking stupid to do their job properly: one simple step that will make their lives easier and their children's lives enriched and fulfilling.
Follow your advice, and maybe your child will end up like a success like me, Maddox, or Chris.
Happy Mother's Day, Mom! This page is dedicated to you and dad (but mostly you) for not letting me become one of those spoiled brats that populate every high school in the country. Everyone gets those "#1 Mom" and "#1 Dad" coffee mugs and shirts, but you actually deserve the title because you have at least an iota of common sense.
