As I left the theater, I came to a startling if not obvious conclusion: Every time Hollywood hits rock bottom, they upgrade their drill; Shrek the Third and the previews I saw proved just that. Normally, I'm a big movie fan (especially comic book movies)... but that experience has ruined the prospect of ever sitting through another fund-raising mind-dump erroneously labeled as "Entertainment."

Without further ado: the movies (and previews for movies) that ruined Hollywood for me.

1. Shrek the Third

I don't know what compelled me to see this movie since the second one was horse-shit, but I fucked up and let curiosity get the better of me. This movie reeked with trilogy syndrome: The first movie will be great, the second one will be decent, and the third one will be horrible but will make millions. They fucked up by focusing too much on story and not enough on comedy; which was a horrible idea since it's a comedy series.

How Hollywood managed to take something as nearly-flawless as Spider-Man and turn it into a limp-dick soap opera is beyond me; but they somehow pulled it off. This movie would've been alot better if they had cut all of the emotional bullshit out of it and replaced it with ass-kicking. A severe disappointment, to say the least.

This movie defies logic, even by Christian standards. If you didn't know, this is a "sequel" to Bruce Almighty (a movie whose title actually made sense since he was given God's powers for a week). Whereas Evan Almighty is not only a misnomer, the entire plot basically takes a shit on the Bible as God tosses his supposed promise out the window and destroys the Earth by flooding it. Which leads to the obvious question: How fucking stoned was the man who wrote the script?

I actually don't have any complaints about the idea behind this one (other than maybe "about fucking time!"), but I'm sure that they'll screw it up.

Imagine a perfect girl. Good looks, smart, athletic, great personality, inquisitive, and lucky as hell. Does this sound realistic? Didn't think so. The entire story is something I'd expect from one of the people who god-mode at role-playing games. "Well I have max STR, DEX, CON, INT, and CHA and one point away from max WIS. Let's roleplay!"

So they take this impossibly-over-achieving character, throw her into a predictable movie with stereotyped characters (i.e. the boy who follows her around and is smoten by her), and play it across the country. Fucking brilliant! Doesn't it make you just want to run to the movie theater and give them all your money? Me neither.

What's that? A movie made in 3D Max starring Jerry Seinfeld? Pass! Seinfeld is a failure of a comedian. The only good thing he had was his TV sitcom, Seinfeld; and even that was a stretch. I don't have anything against the guy-- he just ISN'T FUNNY!

Bee Movie. Please. What a waste of software.

This movie can be best described as, well, contrived. According to the plot writers, the only thing that stands between high school and social elitism is a politically-correct team of four girls who say things like "B-F-F!" and talk with a high-pitched, squeaky voice. Because we all know that pretentious teenage girls are the epitome of individuality.

At first glance, this movie is just a marketing tool to sell more dolls to little girls who want to pretend they have breasts and people care about their opinion. But upon closer inspection, its true purpose is revealed. This movie was designed to brainwash preteen skanks into believing that they can be individuals so long as they fit into the molds that the movie writers have set out for them: rebellious yet spunky.

And, at the same time, the movie is satirizing loners (which is, despite what would make sense, considered a "social clique" throughout this cinematic catastrophe). That, my dipshits, is called a mixed message. Here's why:

High-strung freshmen girls care about their popularity to some degree. It weighs in on their decisions.

"Loners," as they're eloquently called in this movie; don't really care. Despite what the plot writers may believe, there is no "group" of loners. And they sure as hell don't sit in a single area and tell each other, "Leave me alone."

Loners are few and far between; mixing with different crowds as it suits them. They may prefer solitude, but they still keep loose friendships with a diverse range of members of social cliques just because some people are worth talking to regardless of where they sit in the pre-defined pecking order that is High School.

Because of their complete lack of giving a shit, they (or should I say we?) are the true face of individuality. Spunky, bratty freshmen high schoolers are not. That, ladies and gentlemen, is why this movie sucks. The message is obscured by their bias towards making the characters that are based off the $10 dolls look fashionable and unique; when, in fact, they're the same as every other superficial ass-wipe on the planet.