Let me begin by saying this: I can't stand the morons in my English class. We're taking an exam using scantron sheets and one of the girls asked, "Do you want us to circle it?" Before that, seven people asked the teacher if they could have time to study during an exam period. Despite what my readers may believe, it actually takes an enormous amount of stupidity to fill me with enough contempt to hate someone-- and they've transcended that limit since day one.
And do you know how this could have been avoided? Rhetorical answer: by not letting dipshits and football-playing morons into an honors class.
An honors class-- for those of you who are too young, too old, or otherwise too stupid to know-- is where the students who aren't massive failures at the subject are supposed to go to feel challenged and not feel like school is a waste of time. There's a nice little extra .02 added on to your GPA for every semester of taking an Honors class. As insignificant as it may seem, these extra points add up by your senior year and compel people with less brain activity than roadkill to take as many honors classes as possible in an attempt to horde points.
It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't toss me in the mix with these half-wit losers. As you all may know, I'm the kid who aces the tests without studying and never feels inclined to do the homework. Some people consider these the traits of a genius, but I consider them the traits of someone who isn't a complete dipshit. It's almost insulting to be dumped in a room with a bunch of hyperactive clowns and refer to them as my "peers" since they're in an honors class with me. I take that back, it's beyond insulting.
So in an effort to prevent further confusion about whether or not an Honors class is right for you, I've put together this little guide. I hope it proves useful in determining whether or not it's worth taking an honors class and raising my blood pressure.
| Is An Honors Class Right For You? |
|---|
| Instructions: Start with 5 points. For every question you answer, modify your score appropriately according to the values in the "YES" and "NO" columns. Answer based on whether or not the statement or question applies to you. You can figure this out, I believe in you. |
| QUESTION / STATEMENT | YES | NO |
|---|
| Is your IQ above 120? | +1 | +0 |
| Is your IQ above 100? | +0 | -1 |
| Is your IQ above 80? | +0 | -3 |
| Sports are more important than academics. | -5 | +1 |
| High School is all about getting laid. | -2 | +1 |
| I'll ride my athletics to college and neglect my studies. | -10 | +5 |
| Rap music? | -2 | +1 |
| I'm actually gonna learn the material, even if I don't turn in assignments. | +5 | -5 |
| I am to turn in assignments ON TOP of learning the material. | +5 | -5 |
| Popularity is all that matters to me. | -1 | +1 |
| I'm a tortured artist, a vampire trapped in this unfa-- you know the rest. | -1 | +1 |
| I'll just do the work and BS my way through school without learning a damn thing. | -1 | +1 |
| I consider myself to be above average and realize the average person is a moron. | +10 | +0 |
| Test anxiety? | -5 | +0 |
| My self-image matters to me. | -1 | +0 |
| I'll just gossip all day about unverified rumors in an attempt to make everyone else's life bitter. | -5 | +0 |
| I feel the need to have a boyfriend at all times so I don't feel like a loser. | +0 | +1 |
| I feel the need to have a girlfriend at all times so I don't feel like a loser. | +0 | +1 |
| My vocabulary is shorter than Brittany Spears's hair. | -1 | +0 |
Got your score calculated? Here's the breakdown:
37 points - You're probably a lying bastard. Otherwise, you should look into the Advanced Placement program.
22 to 36 points - You should take Honors, since regular classes would bore you to tears.
5 to 21 points - You might have what it takes, but then again you could be a complete fucking idiot, too.
-10 to 4 points - Face it, you aren't cut out for honors. Memorize the phrase, "Would you like fries with that?" and remember to smile.
-41 to -11 points - Holy shit, you're stupid enough to believe that people care about high school sports outside of high school? Why don't you save us the trouble, drop out, and commit suicide?
-42 points - You should turn yourself over for scientific study (How can someone so stupid manage to breathe?!)
Don't just take my word for it. My friend Beau will attest to the stupidity we endure in English class. "Honors," he says; often followed by maniacal laughter and face-palming. I think I can safely say the only people in that class who deserve to be there are the ones who sit on the side of the room creatively declared the "unpopular side" by the inconceivably stupid and their rapier wit.
If anyone has gotten this far and you're still not sure if Honors classes are right for you-- play it safe and don't sign up for them. You'll save me a lot of headaches and stomach ulcers.
