Are you experiencing lag? Click here to make it go away. [hide]
How to Kill Someone Like a Man
Just as there are right and wrong ways to kill yourself, there are also right and wrong ways to kill someone else. Knowing the difference could save you the humiliation of having everyone laugh at you while you're awaiting your execution. Postal workers and depressed teenagers, take notes.
Challenge Someone to a Duel (with Guns)
Manliness: 6
Difficulty: 3
Awesomeness: 5
Effectiveness: 9
Challenging someone to a duel and producing two appropriate pistols is the Western way of handling a disagreement. All you have to do is be the first one to draw out your pistol and the first one to shoot the other in the head-- it's that easy.
Challenge Someone to a Duel (with Swords)
Manliness: 9
Difficulty: 10
Awesomeness: 10
Effectiveness: 6
Challenging someone to a duel and producing two appropriate swords is the Eastern way of handling a disagreement. This may require a lot of luck or months of training to ensure you don't get your own head lobbed off. Not recommended if your victim friend is a samurai, pirate, ninja, fencer, or all of the above.
Tie them down and shoot them
Manliness: 0
Difficulty: 0
Awesomeness: 0
Effectiveness: 10
If you're not gonna at least give them a fighting chance, why bother going through with it? If you're gonna kill someone-- risking spending the rest of your life in jail-- why would you make it boring and clean-cut? You're not a hitman-- don't try to be like one or everyone will call you a pussy when you're locked up.
Attack them with a mace/flail/morning star
Manliness: 10
Difficulty: 10
Awesomeness: 10
Effectiveness: 8
Cavemen and uncivilized members of the Round Table agree; nothing is quite as awesome as beating someone with a mace or similar pain apparatus. The judge might be so blown away by your sheer manliness that he'll let you walk free-- but then again, he might just hand you soap on a rope.
Home Invasion
Manliness: 0
Difficulty: 3
Awesomeness: 1
Effectiveness: 3
Invading someone's home is a good way to get YOUR head blown off. And, common sense aside, it places you somewhere near Rosie O'Donnel on the manliness scale. If you're even considering it, you're a douche-bag.
Convince Them to Commit Suicide
Manliness: 4
Difficulty: Varies
Awesomeness: 10
Effectiveness: 10
If the person in question happens to listen to emo music and cut their wrists for attention-- the difficulty is significantly lower. But if you're dealing with a walking success story like Chris, it ain't gonna happen. Nevertheless, this is an attractive solution because if they can't prove you pushed them to the edge you're a free man. Or the judge might sentence you to life in prison out of spite.
Tell a Bar Full of Bikers That He/She is a Pedophile
Manliness: 2
Difficulty: 6
Awesomeness: 5
Effectiveness: 3
This probably won't get them killed; and it will make you a little Nancy boy because, let's face it, you're a bitch and you can't fight your own fights.
Beat Them Into a Coma, and Then Some More!
Manliness: 8
Difficulty: 9
Awesomeness: 9
Effectiveness: 7
If someone has pissed you off to the point of killing them-- this is probably your first choice. And, chances are, you'll get tired before you beat them to this point.
Move to Florida and somehow trick them to come after you; then shoot to kill.
Manliness: 7
Difficulty: 10
Awesomeness: 9
Effectiveness: 8
Florida has this wonderful law called the "Stand Your Ground" law that basically says, "If you threaten me, I kill you." You can fill in the blanks.
Because if it's worth doing; it's worth doing right. Remember: You might only get one chance to commit murder before you get raped in the ass for the rest of your miserable existence-- make it count.
Note: None of this article is meant to be taken seriously. If you can't take a joke, you really don't need to be reading satire websites.
