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English Proverbs That Get My Irish Up
Have you ever had to stop a serious discussion to say, "Wait wait-- excuse me. What the hell kind of statement is that? Are you dense?" Then you know exactly how I feel when someone says one of these stupid sayings, phrases, mottos, and other forms of oral diarrhea.
"A friend in need is a friend indeed."
Used by the self-righteous to try to justify supporting dead-weights and adding financial burdens to their life that they will inevitably complain about incessantly six months down the line.
"A picture is worth a thousand words."
Incidentally, all of them are words of anguish from the camera. You're ugly-- stop flooding your shitty blogs with countless pictures!
"All good things must come to an end."
It's good that you specified "good" things, because the concept of inconvenience being temporary eluded me. These are the kind of bullshit phrases that encourage nihilistic, whiny gothics.
"A watched pot never boils."
... Assuming the person watching it doesn't want it to boil and is competent enough to prevent it from doing so, yes. But in this world, the latter is NOT a safe assumption.
"Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it."
Is this supposed to intimidate me from having goals and dreams in life? In that case: I wish you all die of cancer.
"Behind every good man is a woman."
I know plenty of good people who are single and still virgins. In short: Bullshit!
"Better late than never."
That doesn't change the fact that you're too inept to arrive on time, dipshit! Better hit the classifieds because your ass is fired.
"Boys will be boys."
This is one of those quotes parents use to try and excuse the fact that they're doing a horrible job by shifting the blame to the gender of their child(ren). Congratulations you lazy feminist bitch, you've managed to skirt all responsibility! Why not drop Jack Thompson a line of encouragement?
"Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
While there's nothing inherently wrong with this one, I'm sick of hearing it. Why not think outside the box and be creative? Did I just say, "Think outside the box?" Look at what your damned cliché proverbs are making me do!
"Every dog has its day" / "Everyone gets their fifteen minutes of fame."
Every dog certainly does NOT have its day; everyone certainly does NOT get their fifteen minutes of fame. Why? Because nobody cares about anyone else's problems. "Hey everyone, I'm doing something famous." "Eat shit and be miserable like the rest of us, asshole."
"Fine feathers make fine birds."
Say that in front of a Biologist. I dare you.
"Go with the flow."
The implication of this one is, of course: Don't do what your mind, conscience, and common sense tell you. Don't be an individual. If someone else is doing something, copy them. Life's easier that way. What a load of shit.
"Give, and ye shall receive."
If only the world worked that way, there would be no such thing as debt or charity.
"If you aren't fishing for trouble, don't bait the hook."
This isn't even clever-- why do you morons keep saying it? You make it seem as though problems only come from one's own self. I beg to differ, asshole.
"If you can't beat them, join them."
This one is always best if you replace the pronoun with something sure to shock people: If we can't beat Terrorists, join them!
"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!"
Two words: Fuck you. I'll say what I want, when I want; because I can back up my words with force if necessary.
"Ignorance is bliss."
I'm sure cancer victims would agree that not knowing a cure for cancer has made their lives more fulfilling.
"It takes all kinds to make the world go round."
So you agree with letting child molesters walk the streets then?
"It's a blessing in disguise."
Used by teenage skanks to justify getting knocked up, this phrase implies that some good will come of the biggest fuck up in your life. Don't listen to a word of this nonsensical bullshit.
"It's better to give than to receive."
I'll remember to say this the next time some homeless person asks me for a dollar and I dislocate their shoulder and demand they give me ten.
"It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
One one hand you could experience depression, loss, and angst-- on the other, you could go about your normal life without a dumb bitch holding you down then leaving you. I think we all know the more attractive solution.
"It's no use crying over spilt milk."
It's no use crying over anything. When I become Vice Deity, I will make everyone over the age of three biologically incapable of crying. Fortunately, I only have to genetically modify vegetarians and women.
"Leave it alone and it will grow on its own."
Like an infection.
"Lightning never strikes twice in the same place."
Anyone and everyone can tell you that's bullshit. Lightning always strikes twice. It's called science, dipshit; look into it.
"Misery loves company."
If the Emo subculture has taught us anything, it is that.
"No pain, no gain."
I'm sure people with crippling back injuries are delighted when they hear someone say this.
"Patience is a virtue."
Patience is indeed a virtue: It gets you virtually nowhere. Take some initiative you lazy son of a bitch!
"Practice makes perfect."
This is the antithesis to blogging.
"Rules are meant to be broken."
Y'know, like laws governing rape and murder.
"Slow and steady wins the race."
This line is utter bullshit. Not once have I ever won a race by walking briskly when my opponent was dashing towards the finish line. The problem with this is it assumes an infinite racetrack in which the slow one will eventually gain on the fast one.
"That which does not kill you, makes you stronger."
Go ahead and say that in front of a paralysis victim you insensitive cock!
"The customer is always right."
Anyone who has spent five minutes in the store I work at will know what a crock this proverb is.
"The end justifies the means."
So if I murder you so someone else can have your job... and that leads to the development of new technology that makes the world a better place... does that make me justified in my actions? I'm sure the judge would agree.
"The grass is always greener on the other side."
This is one of those sayings that people use to feel better about their meager possessions. I'm sure there are fat stock brokers everywhere who lose sleep every night wishing they were a starving, AIDS-infected African child.
"The more things change, the more they stay the same."
This is a borderline logical paradox. Eat shit!
"The truth will set you free."
OR the truth will get you locked up for the rest of your life with a burley man named "Bubba Grease-your-ass."
"There are no endings; only new beginnings."
You say that now, but when the world finally comes to an end you'll be singing a different tune.
"Tomorrow is another day."
Oh really? Please, share more of your infinite wisdom, Mr. Holmes!
"What goes up must come down."
Space Shuttle Columbia, anyone?
"Working hard or hardly working?"
That's irrelevant. What matters is that I'm doing my fucking job and you're not.
"You can't win them all." / "You win some, you lose some."
Correction: You can't win anything at all... because you're a massive failure.
Is it just me, or does it seem like only the stupidest people use the same rehashed proverbs to fill in the massive void where their wisdom is supposed to be?
