Violence is a great tool, when used sparingly. By sparingly, I of course mean whenever you deem necessary. Someone shoved your girlfriend? Choke-slam his punk ass. Someone crashed into your car out of spite? Tear their face off and use it to buff the dents out. An old woman is driving 30 mph on the freeway? Run her off the road and take a tire iron to the back of her skull!

All joking aside, there's a time and a place for violent means. And there are situations that call for violence, to pacifists' dismay.

Pacifism is the art of being a doormat. Some may say it shows reserve and self-control, but we all know not mortally wounding your victimopponent shows enough self-restraint to render that argument moot. Pacifists are people who've lost their natural survival skills and would rather cower down and take it up the ass than stand up for what they believe in. And no, peaceful protesting doesn't count.

It's like the bullshit they feed kids about dealing with bullies. "Just stand up to them. A bully doesn't want a fight, a bully wants to beat you up." Standing up to them won't do shit unless you're prepared to stand your own against them, blow-for-blow.

One time my mom was walking in the parking lot at Wal-Mart and some Illegal started to circle around her on his bicycle, saying something in Spanish. To this day we don't know if he wanted sex, money, or what have you-- and it's irrelevant. My mom didn't stand there, decipher his words and analyze his body language while he inched closer-- she popped him right in the fucking face for invading her personal space and probably left the entire side of his face swollen up.

My mom is one of the few women in this world with enough self-respect to refuse to be a victim. She handled the situation in an effective manner without resorting to deadly force (which is technically legal in this situation in the state of Florida).

And the greatest irony is that a pacifist would object to the way my mom handled it. "Oh you should've talked your way out of it." Dipshit, he doesn't understand English. Illegal immigrant. Spanish. Communication is impossible. "Then you should've called for help." Great idea, make loud noises in the middle of an empty parking lot at night and expect a store completely void of shoppers (save the coke-heads getting $200 in snacks while tweaking); possibly attracting El Dickheado's friends to the situation and digging yourself deeper.

Face it, you gaping vaginas: sometimes you need to crack a few skulls to get things done around here. You wanna sit around in circles and sing poetry when someone threatens you, by all means end up raped and murdered; found in a ditch 6 months later without defensive wounds or any sign of struggle. That will really be conducive to prosecuting your attacker with the complete lack of forensic evidence thanks to your docile ways.

I'm not saying go out and beat everyone you meet within an inch of their life (with the exception of the first two paragraphs-- which don't count because I was joking). I'm saying that sometimes talking will only dig you deeper in your grave and you need to lay a fucking idiot out to keep yourself from between a rock and a hard place.

Speaking of irony (I mentioned it earlier. Eat shit.), NOT fighting will often get you into just as much trouble as it would if you fought back. I was sitting in the Gym while the Sophomores were taking the FCAT test (it's bullshit, don't bother looking it up) and the kid next to me started to overcome the music I was listening to on my headset. Disinclined to put up with this bullshit, I took my headphones off and took note of the situation.

The kid sitting next to me was screaming "GET AWAY FROM ME!!" to a bully, and had been for five minutes. I got tired of this bullshit and said, "Hey asshole! You're ruining my favorite song. Leave him alone." The bully blew it off, and continued to pester the kid. Finally, I signaled one of the coaches over and the bully slapped the kid. The coach immediately intervened (great timing, you old bitch!) and took them both to the office. The victim came back twenty minutes later distraught because he just got suspended from school for three days for being slapped.

This is the kind of shit that makes my blood boil. And it's not just schools that are enforcing these fascist, pious policies. The local municipality (the donut-eating pigs, for my readers of lesser eloquence) has been arresting assault and battery victims more often than they stop by Dunkin' Donuts.

So keep this in mind: Pacifists are too stubborn to survive a violent confrontation. Don't follow their example if you value your life. By no means do I condone starting fights-- I only condone finishing them.

No catchy punchline, no zany closing argument. Just a quote from my dad: "Violence is the last option and the first choice... (I can't remember the rest. I think it was 'of the wise man.')."