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The other day, I was asked, "If you're so fucking smart, how do you propose we fix everything wrong with the world?" After careful consideration, I have reached a conclusion: BAN SATIRE!
Who needs satire? Answer: Heretics. From Mark Twain to Jonathan Swift, satirists have questioned and mocked traditions-- both religious and societal. How can we live with ourselves while allowing this blasphemy to continue?
Satire is the tool of the devil. I can demonstrate this fact by the fact that "Satan" and "Satire" start with the same three letters: S-A-T. This is clearly a sign from above that satire is evil.
From a scientific standpoint, satire doesn't produce anything! When's the last time a piece of literary satire did anything for you? Exactly!
Critics might argue that satire is beneficial to the morale and to the blood pressure of the masses, but I'm sure there's a Bible verse out there that proves them wrong.
When children-- innocent, young children-- are exposed to satire, something horrible happens: They laugh and begin to look at a situation from the author's standpoint. This in turn makes them more open to blasphemous things like reason and independent thought instead of living vicariously through their faith like a good American christian should.
So to solve this problem, I say we outlaw satire entirely. This includes verbal satire, literary satire, and most forms of sarcasm. Sarcasm is the tool of the devil!
Of course, websites (like Kobra's Corner, The Best Page in the Universe, and Landover Baptist Church) and books (such as The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster by Bobby Henderson) would have to be shut down if we were to do this, but we can all agree that the world is a better place without them.
With satire out of the way, we can live in a peaceful society under the protective wing of the one true god (which ever one that may be).
I also think we should make irony illegal too; just to be safe.
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