Throw These Assholes to the Lions!

It is with this in mind that I shall attempt to tackle a task so tenaciously daunting, I might never finish it. Call me crazy, foolish, or even boring-- I am going to list every kind of person who deserves to be sodomized with a concrete drill.

1. Door-to-door salesmen.

Salesmen used to be commonplace in America, but with the invention of the unsolicited email, this method became less lucrative for most businesses. The only thing that still gets sold door-to-door is religion.

At this point, you might be thinking, "Then why does Kobra still call them 'salesmen?'" Because it's the same bullshit concept: Some suave asshole comes to your house at dark-thirty in the morning while you still have morning wood and tries to sell you some bullshit product that you don't need, costs more than it's worth, and doesn't help you in any way.

The worst part is, their method is ineffective and inefficient. If you want to get your message out, set up a blog (or if you're already a full-blown cult and you already break several international laws, a mail server and a search spider). Why waste hundreds of dollars of gas per city when you can sit one person behind a computer and accomplish the same thing? Who actually lets these Mormon or Jehovah's Witness assholes into their house? Get with the 21st Century, you morons!

When someone brings up the issue of teen pregnancy, some smug politically correct asshole likes to say, "Well gosh, kids feel so pressured to grow up so fast today... who can blame them?" I CAN! It's their fault for being whores and it's their boyfriend's fault for not using a goddamn condom. Is it really that hard to use a fucking condom?

Then you get the really slutty girls who say, "I don't like the feel of condoms." Do you know what you morons should say to these succubi? "Well guess what? bitch! I don't like the feel of child support! Something's gotta give, and it ain't gonna be my wages." Is that really so hard?

I always considered Rodney Dangerfield, Sam Kinison, and George Carlin to be the "three great comedians"-- the trinity of comedy, if you will-- and as of Sunday, all three of them are dead.

What the fuck do we have left? Bill Cosby? Why isn't he dead? Carlos Mencia? The only funny joke Carlos Mencia ever wrote was when he signed a contract with Comedy Central. The world is going down the shitter and there's nothing anybody can do about it because everyone has their heads shoved too far up their ass to realize what makes a joke funny anymore.

Let's be serious for as second. I mean every word of this: There are almost seven billion people in the world; YOU DON'T MATTER. Chances are, your name will not end up in history textbooks fifty years from now, so stop being such a defensive, self-centered asshole. That last part goes for everyone, but especially you (whoever you are).

I don't care if you're Rush Limbaugh or Roland Martin. The "liberal opinion" and "conservative opinion" are equally fucking stupid; please shut up about them. There are stupid Democrats, there are stupid Republicans. Instead of trying to convince people that your "side" is smarter, how about setting an example and shutting up for a change?

This one is self explanatory. Not only should they be fed to the lions, but they need to be slowly castrated with a straight-razor (slice-by-slice) beforehand. You can't cure pedophilia, so why not remove the problem entirely? That will be a lot less paperwork than those "Neighborhood surveys" where the asshole has to ask everyone in a two-block radius if he can move in the neighborhood. Even better, you can film the whole process and sell DVDs to cover the costs.

Guys, this isn't Special Relativity! If your child has a heart attack, or slips into a diabetic coma, you should take them to the fucking Hospital! This concept escapes some of the most religious people in the world, who instead decide to sit around and pray to God for several hours while their child goes into convulsions and chokes on her own vomit... all because they think it's a "test of their faith."

If you were God, would you heal that child? Think about it for a second:

• Everyone in the world (including some animals) knows to dial 911 during an emergency.
• In most cases, the nearest hospital is less than 20 minutes away.
• Instead of calling 911, or dragging their child's ass to the car and hauling ass to the hospital, these assholes are sitting around in a circle holding hands and THINKING AS HARD AS THEY CAN, asking that their child be healed.
• Fuck them.

Even from a religious perspective, this is fucking stupid.

I don't fully understand what lures stupid people into street gangs. Maybe that's because the whole fucking concept makes no sense: Form a group of mentally unstable assholes who show off to hide their low self-esteem and kill random people without any form of justification. Where do I sign up?

I know what comes next: "Not every group that has been labeled a 'gang' by the Federal government falls into this category!" Who gives a flying fuck? I know I don't. If you assholes want to form little felony cliques, you could do the world a favor and AT LEAST wait until you've finished puberty before making potentially life-altering, self-destructive choices.

"Haha yes, I agree; everyone is stupid (but not me)." Bullshit. When I say everyone is full of shit, or everyone is stupid, I mean EVERYBODY. If you think that my criticism doesn't apply to you, you're probably an arrogant cock-sucker who spends several hours looking at your reflection every morning. Do the world a favor and spray your brains on the wall-- Kurt Cobain style!

However, if you realize that I'm right, and you're a member of the group I'm mocking (humanity), you have a little self-worth.