Nuke These Morons Off the Face of the Earth!

Rick Warren

Dick "You Are What You Eat" Warren is not only an idiot, but also an asshole. Warren's a perpetuator of the vapid "Gays shouldn't get married" viewpoint, and a creationist to boot. In fact, Warren believes humans and dinosaurs lived together. (Close, except it was Eomaia scansoria, not Homo sapiens sapiens, and this was 125 million years ago, not a few thousand.) Everything about this man begs me to kick him in the shins.

Now, a lot of people pissed off at President-Elect Obama's choice to let Warren give the invocation at his inauguration. Not me. I see what's going on here. While Obama appoints reasonable people like John P. Holdren and Steven Chu to important positions, he gives a position of prestige, but no power, to ignorant assholes like Rick Warren in a desperate attempt to make everyone happy. It's that transparent, and people on both sides of the argument over Obama's decision still can't see through it.

Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise is a psychotic egomaniac and a high-ranking member of the Cult of $cientology. Every time he appears on television, he pisses me off so much that my nose bleeds. His acting is shitty and he deserves rectal cancer.

Ben Stein

"Love of God and compassion and empathy leads you to a very glorious place, and science leads you to killing people."^[1]

Those are the words of the man who made a movie advocating Intelligent Design as "scientific." He has a point, though. Science causes all kinds of catastrophes, such as: Antibiotics, vaccines, water sanitation, advanced agriculture, aeronautics, space exploration, alternative energy, electricity (both Edison's failed Direct Current idea and Tesla's unappreciated Alternating Current approach), modern computers and so on. And religion has never caused any deaths, right?

Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC)

Fuck OPEC! OPEC is an organization consisting of some of the greediest price-gougers in the history of capitalism. Every time they get mentioned on CNN, it's because OPEC is doing something to raise oil prices in an attempt to fuck people over. Fuck them. I say we pour all of our available resources into research for clean, self-contained geothermal energy and wireless energy transfer. That way, not only will we be able to power all our homes and still move freight across the country without using any oil, we'll also put this technology on the market so fast that OPEC won't have time to reinvest their money and the entire fucking oil industry will sink like a lead balloon. Crash and burn, cocksuckers!

Westboro Baptist Church

The Westboro Baptist Church preaches, "God hates everyone who is either gay, lesbian, American, Canadian, British, Irish, Italian, Australian, Swedish, or Chinese," while claiming they're not racist. These jerk-offs spend their time protesting the funerals of heterosexual veterans and anti-gay legislators. Any attempt to make sense of their antics is destined to fail because these people are fucking crazy.

We get it, you boorish idiots! You hate everyone but also want everyone to know you hate them, so you project your own hatred through your religion (thus transforming it into "God hates fags"). Like it or not, nothing is ever going to change the way you want it. Gay people will eventually gain equal rights. Canada, America, England, Ireland, Italy, Australia, Sweden, and China will prosper in their own ways without the blessing of your nonexistent god, and your members will continue to be regarded as psychopaths by every rational person on the planet.

AARP

My only gripe against AARP is that old people have too much damn political power in Florida. Because of all the retired old fucks who believe, "I already raised my kids; why should I pay taxes to better Florida's education system?" and other equally self-centered absurdities, our education system blows and Florida doesn't allow closed shop unions. As a result, finding a job that pays more than minimum wage is like winning the lottery. All the residents work for chump change, and everything is ass expensive because all the tourists come to Florida during the winter months to spend their money on useless shit and boring activities. The result? Florida is full of impoverished morons. Fuck you, old people! If I ever become President, I'll legalize assisted suicide purely out of spite.