A Beginner's Guide to Political Commentary

1. You are the world's only moderate.

No matter which social group you nominate for genocide, you are the epitome of moderate. Anyone who deviates from your reasonable middle-ground is an extremist. It's kinda like zeroing an electronic scale while Kirstie Alley is sitting on it. The more you chastise the people who aren't behind you 100%, the more you empassion the people who are. And passion is more important to our political system than reason. In another sense...

The truth is that when science says that most situations are dynamic with dozens of variables that would take years to accurately model with mathematics and advanced computing, you can always simplify things into two short, snappy categories: The Absolutely True Common Sense Traditional God-Endorsed American solution, and the evil socialist satanic homosexual commie solution. Also, Hitler.

Who cares how many logical fallacies you use in your arguments? You sure as hell don't! It's not like any of that stuff matters. Just appeal to people's emotions when you can't commit a fallacy of division or composition, and they won't even notice the straw men you've conconcted of the opposition. Confusing your opponents is the surest path to victory. And we all know winning the war means infinitely more than fighting for the side of justice. On a similar vein...

Anyone who has time to actually do research to make sure the premises for their arguments are true is invariably an lower-class good-for-nothing social parasite on the government's tit and should never be granted an audience. You don't want to be associated with such unsophisticated scum, do you? Don't research your claims, unless your research consists of copying images from chain emails and citing them as evidence.

This one is best illustrated with an example:

Fuck no! Why should a person whose outward appearance doesn't fit with their genetics be allowed to teach children? What's next, allowing teachers to dye their hair or wear makeup? After all, the noncriminal past of everyone who isn't a threat to your child is your business. Who cares about their rights or their ability to put food on the table for their families? After all, they shouldn't even be allowed to have families, unless by families you mean plastic explosive enemas.

The cost of gas is going up? Blame the Jews! News stations are becoming more effective at reporting crimes in your area so you feel as though the crime rate is going up even though it's been steadily declining for years? Blame video games! Whatever the problem is, it's someone else's fault and sure as hell isn't yours. It doesn't matter if there is a logical disconnect between the accused and the crime-- execute them anyway.

If you don't know the answer to a question, it's probably because you didn't bother to spend five minutes researching the topic on Wikipedia. But don't panic! Just throw something together with the phrase "[traditional/family] (select appropriate) values" and move on to a point for which you have a rehearsed response.

A lot of politics involves economics, and economics involves math. Math is a hard subject. What the fuck does an integral sign even mean? What's the significance of the letter E? If you can't answer these questions, don't bother trying to figure it out. Instead, watch your favorite news commentator (be it on FOX news or MSNBC) and treat their words religiously.

Nobody gave a damn about the Estate Tax until it was renamed the Death Tax. Then the situation became, "So you support the Death Tax?" "What? No. Of course not. I'll vote against it." Why not do the same for every other piece of legislature the comes across your TV screen? The Employee Non-Discrimination Act is now the Gay and Lesbian Gym Coaches in our Child's Locker Rooms Act. The Arizona Immigration Law is now the Beaner B' Gone Law. Tackling issues head-on by using facts and logic to demonstrate the flaws with a particular approach is boring, and it's so much easier to use subtle psychological manipulation to get the public to endorse something that will only inevitably fuck them over.