If words alone could describe how much ass this movie kicked, there would not be enough time in the universe for me to write them all down. I'm not exaggerating a bit. 300 is to movies what blowjobs are to "romantic moments."

As I mentioned in an impulsive review after I first saw the movie, it had everything:

• Over 10,000 soldiers died
• Jubblies!
• Murder
• Violence
• Sex
• Lesbians
• A wolf getting its brains spewed about by Leonidas's spear.
• A soldier getting drop-kicked, just because even the extras in this movie ruled hard.
• Xerxes's elite guard getting their shit ruined time, time again.

You can't go wrong if you watch this movie.

This movie's status as ass-kicking is a bit controversial because the movie opens as a boring, grab-ass romance flick for all of 5 minutes. However, that's part of the reason why this movie kicks so much ass; it builds up an optimistic, "romantic comedy" air about itself before it violently tears that shit down and establishes itself as a violent revenge movie.

I won't spoil it for you, but if you like to watch wanna-be gangsters get their shit ruined, this is the movie for you.

I watched this movie in my history class two years ago, and again last year when I was that teacher's aid for 4th period. Never before have I laughed my ass off harder at a movie about the Nazi regime. The fact that the directors took one of the darkest periods in human history and made it hilarious (yet tragic) is enough to earn it a spot on this list.

Fair warning, though: If you decide to watch this movie, keep all impressionable young women far removed from the vicinity of your television lest you have to listen to them cry every few minutes.

If you've played any of the games (except the 4th one), you don't need me to tell you that Silent Hill is the most awesome horror movie made. You won't find any horror film clichés here. Some would say this movie isn't for the faint of heart; I say this movie also isn't for the weak of mind.

Planet Terror is awesome in the sense that it combines several successful flavors of badass into one concoction. If Planet Terror were a person, he (yes, he) would probably use small children as footballs and old people as target practice for chainsaw throwing.

At first, Planet Terror seems like your run-of-the-mill comedy/horror film; but it isn't. Here are some of the highlights (spoilers):

• A little kid commits suicide 10 seconds after his mom tells him not to point the gun at his face.
• A stripper with a machine gun on her leg jumps over a wall and blows the hell out of everything.
• Lots of over-exaggerated gore; reminiscent of a Rambo movie.
• Zombies mauling and eating a living person in graphic detail.

Awesome Musicians and Bands

If you've never heard of Tool, please shoot yourself in the foot. Tool is the only "new" rock band that doesn't suck (as of this writing).

It always amuses me when, after asking me what bands I listen to, some people spaz out and say, "Rammstein is gay." To you, I say, do some fucking research.

These allegations come from some of Rammstein's songs where they're trying to make a point and morons who have no taste in culture or a grasp of the German language completely misinterpret (and often mistranslate) everything. You morons should be shot.

Baseless controversy aside, though, their music rules.

Just kidding. I hate Dragonforce.

Slayer's spot on this list is mandatory. If you don't know why, go listen to their music.

Graveworm is one of those bands that would completely own the Metal industry if they only had a larger fanbase. Most of the people I talk to have never even heard of them, and that's just sad.

Television Shows that Don't Suck

Video Games

The first SNES game I've ever played and one of the SNES games I still play regularly via emulator. If you have never heard of this jewel, you're missing out. Go find an emulator right now and play it.

Quite possibly the best RPG ever made. Chrono Trigger is unique in the sense that it had an awesome story, graphics, and music; and still managed to be fun.

This game is deceptively simple: eat stuff, evolve, eat some more stuff. You start off as a fish and your final form depends on your evolutionary path. Definitely a must-play for boring days at school.

Terranigma is one of the first and best Action RPGs. You play as Ark, a guy with a spear, and it's your job to resurrect the world. If you don't enjoy this game, there must be something wrong with you.

Yes. Another RPG. You should expect to see a lot of these on this list. This game managed to occupy me for an entire month, but I never got bored with it.

When I was 6 or 7 years old, I was the best at this game. Nobody in the nearby apartment complex could come close to my score.

The concept is simple: you switch the locations of the two blocks highlighted and it's your job to get 3 or more blocks of the same pattern in a row. The blocks then disappear and, after one second, any blocks above it fall down. If, as a result of gravity, another 3 or more blocks line up, you get a combo (you can tell because of the x2 thing that pops up). I've managed to get a x? once because I rule so hard at this game.

Not only do I think this game kicks ass, so do my mom and my brother. We used to see who could get to the end of the game the fastest (with each of us getting one-hour turns).

There's one thing I'll never understand about FF7 fans: Why do you morons keep buying replica Buster Swords? The Buster Sword is the first-- and therefore weakest-- sword in the game. Why not buy a replica of a sword like Organics?

Starless Umbra is an RPG Maker 2003 project developed by a friend of mine. It's still in development (and has been for over 5 years), but the demo rocks harder than a crackhead's dream. Occasionally, with every demo release, I find that he incorporates my ideas and suggestions into the game, so playing it is definitely an ego boost for me.

Comics and Manga

Bleach is a manga story about a guy whose ability to see ghosts leads on an adventure of epic proportions. While the anime adaptation falls into a few clichés, it's nonetheless a great story with decent artwork.

What do you get when you combine artwork with sex, violence, blasphemy, and medieval Europe? Berserk is to manga what 300 is to movies.

A story based in Japan's Meiji Restoration, Rurouni Kenshin is one of the few samurai-based manga stories that are worth reading. Caution: Pacifist overtones.

Q: What's the best comic strip in America?

Peanuts? Go die in a fire. Garfield? Hell no. Calvin and Hobbes? You bet your ass!

XKCD is what happens when roboticist with a Physics degree decides to scan his doodles and the internet finds out about them. Witty, hysterical, and often influential to the internet as a whole (i.e. the surge of the "died in a blogging accident" Google search term).

Books

This book pissed me off at first since the whole "court system" seemed like a clever crime syndicate. But then the point Kafka was trying to make finally sunk in; this was an example of a secretive judicial system. It's a pity that Kafka never finished this book, but it's still a good read.

Imagine, for a second, that the universe only exists because God committed suicide. God's Debris is a self-proclaimed thought experiment, told as a narrative by a delivery man who meets an old man who knows, well, everything. Fascinating concepts; a good read.

A great work of classic satire.

Their inclusion should be no-brainers.

Mesopotamian literature... which is much more interesting than Judeo-Christian literature.

If it's not on this list, then it isn't completely awesome. But that doesn't mean it completely sucks, either. Several great books (The Alphabet of Manliness), games (Silent Hill series), etc. were excluded because they aren't quite awesome enough.