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An Overlook of Obnoxious Christmas Songs
With the Holiday shopping season upon us, there is no respite from listening to the same god damn Christmas songs every 20 minutes. If you're like me, you're already sick of them (Also, you're probably insane). Naturally, I'm going to do what I always do when something pisses me off: Make fun of it.
Are you dreaming of a white country Christmas?
White Christmas
This is one of those songs that most white people are afraid to sing in a black church, unless you're as spiteful as me. The song itself isn't bad at all, and it has its uses.
Jingle Bells
The song that goes, "Oh how much fun it is to ride an one-horse open sleigh." Do you know what sounds better than riding a one-horse open sleigh outside in the freezing cold? Having sex. Then again, if you consider the "one slope horse and sleigh" line, and happen to be a furry, this might be for you!
Little Drummer Boy
If half the lyrical content wasn't "rum bum bum bum," I might not feel like violently jack-hammering my forehead into the nearest building support column.
Here Comes Santa Claus
"Here Comes Santa Claus"-- being a song popularized by Elvis Presley-- isn't as annoying as the other Christmas songs, but I'd like to say a word to the morons make their own renditions of it: Stop trying to be Elvis!
Seriously.
Every time a "hit song" comes out, every half-talented asshole tries to sing their own version of it and the music industry is flooded with assholes who can't come up with their own ideas for songs.
Deck the Halls
Is it just me, or does it seem like Deck the Halls is the only song that Christmas carolers bother to learn? If one more asshole knocks on my front door and starts spewing out this bullshit, I'll deck him instead.
12 Days of Christmas
If I'm not mistaken, Christmas begins and ends on December 25. How the hell they got "twelve days" out of this, I'm not sure, but I feel like I'm being shafted out of paid holiday hours. Am I alone on this?
Silent Night
Instead of singing a song about silent nights, how about you shut the fuck up and let me sleep, asshole?
I felt like adding more to this list, but since every radio station plays these seven songs in the same order ad nauseum, I can't think of any more.
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Got some feedback, comments, suggestions, or want to call me an asshole? Send it to kobrasrealm@gmail.com.
