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Want to Fix the Economy? The Solution is Simple.

With the country in an economic recession (Yes, it is a recession. We've had two consecutive fiscal quarters of economic contraction-- that's a recession, you frauds!), many worthless bloggers and half-wit reporters are opening their crocodile-like mouths to spew and endless river of bullshit about how bad the economy is-- completely ignoring the obvious solution to our problems! Let me spell it out for you.

  1. End Globalization.

    End Globalization!

    Globalization-- the exportation of American manufacturing jobs-- is what happens when you let big business have too many liberties. Because the American worker costs so much money (mostly due to the cost of living in America), business have opted to send their manufacturing jobs overseas where people will work for cheaper.

    How do we solve this? Easy! Double-- maybe even triple-- the tariffs on imports of products made by US-owned firms that have overseas factories. At the same time, provide tax breaks to mainland manufacturers (and off-shore, but not overseas manufacturers too) using the revenue from the tariffs to give US factories a break. Companies only globalize because it's financially attractive for them. If you remove that attractiveness, America will have a higher GDP (Gross Domestic Product for the uninformed in the audience).

    Some of you are probably thinking, "But Kobra, we can't do that! It's a violation of yadda yadda." Tough shit! If you want to fix the economy, take a page from Franklin D. Roosevelt: break a few laws in favor of enhancing the opportunities of American citizens in the pursuit of happiness (more on the use of bold later).

  2. Promote Fair Immigration
    Call me racist if you want (and if it's the best insult you can come up), but I don't see any reason why Illegal Immigrants (henceforth referred to as "Illegals") deserve special treatment. Let me clarify: There are 194 countries in the world. If we allow illegal immigration from Cuba and Mexico, you're making 192 countries of possible immigrants feel like second-class citizens.

    Furthermore, since the Illegals are typically willing to work for less than American workers, many companies specifically target Illegals to fill jobs for below minimum wage-- thereby damaging our economy.

    So how do we fix this? For one, I'm going to have to go with Maddox on his "remove their incentives for hiring Illegals by forcing them to pay Illegals the same wages" policy. Additionally, we should enforce the EXISTING immigration laws and start deporting Illegals for breaking the law.

    Want to stay in America? Learn English and apply for citizenship (or at least try). Have an anchor baby? Either take it with you or sign it over to a relative (or, failing that, an orphanage). If your standard of living is so horrible in Mexico, why not make Mexico a better place? Revolt, damn you!

  3. Alternative Energy and U.S. Oil
    Let's be realistic for a minute: Alternative energy is at least 10 years away from being a reality to the average American citizen. You know this, and I know this.

    Until we can power our cars with Ethanol, Hydrogen, or whatever else scientists are trying to create, let's cut off our dependence on foreign oil completely by drilling in the Gulf of Mexico. Sure, the old farts in Florida will get butthurt about it, but they'll be dead soon and they already have offshore oil wells in (or really, just outside of) California.

With such an obvious and simplistic plan for improving our economy, we're left to ask ourselves, "Why aren't the numbskulls at Congress doing this?" The answer lies in the three Ls of policy-making: Lobbyists, Lawyers, and Liberals (Note: Not all Liberals, obviously. I don't consider myself Liberal or Conservative; don't email me). If we can get past those three obstacles, we'll be on the road to a flourishing economy.
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