Contrary to what you would expect, everybody abhors happiness. Do you think you'll get any friends by smiling, being friendly, and showing respect? Wrong answer, stupid! By frowning, making obscene gestures, and being negative, you appear to be 'bout what you say. You wouldn't want people to think that you're an optimistic computer geek who's afraid to point a gun at someone in a threatening manner, do you?

You know that kid that nobody talks to (well-- nobody in your inner circle, anyway)? If someone tells you that he has a hit list and is planning on shooting up the school, immediately assume it's true and tell all of your friends; it's the cool thing to do.

Nevermind the fact that these are the kinds of bullshit rumors that circulate across every school in the country, it probably has no basis of fact, and a simple "Hey, someone told me (bullshit); is it true?" followed by a simple analysis of that person's reaction would alleviate your curiosity; you have an image to uphold and lies to perpetuate.

There is only one reason a cool person ever goes to school: to brag about skipping school. What good does school do for them, anyway? It's not like they need a High School diploma to get a job in this country. Besides, our economy is in great condition and that's not likely to change any time soon, so you should be safe, right?

Despite the fact that the age of consent in Florida is 16 (provided the other person is under 24; otherwise it's 18), every so often some 17 year-old will decide it's perfectly acceptable to pork a 14 year-old freshman girl and see no problem with their crime.

Not only is it illegal and stupid, but it's also disgusting. Therefore, if you want to be cool, I highly recommend it. Your friends will respect you (even if I won't)!

Even though every teenager since the dawn of time has gone through a rebellious phase and it's not funny or original, it's your solemn duty to make the life of any authority figure a living hell through whatever means possible.

If all of your friends are wearing a Hollister shirt and you're wearing a Polo shirt, expect to be made fun of until you switch over to their favorite brand. The same applies to every aspect of your life: your taste in music, food, and clothing must mirror everyone else and they must mirror you lest they be "lame."

The coolest people I know are the ones who walk up to me in the lunch line, get in my face, and start psuedo-rapping about how fat I am, how stupid I am, my lack of money, and how small my penis is. Am I alone in this?

Let's pretend that High School is like feudalism and you're a nobleman. Do you want those peasants who have different beliefs, tastes, and attitudes to think of themselves as your peers? How dare they!

Marijuana, LSD, Cocaine, Crack, Alcohol, Cigarettes, anything you can get your hands on; abuse it!

Even if you have to rape a 14 year-old to get past the barrier of virginity, you're not cool unless you cross that point. Be sure to call the girl you lost your virginity to a slut afterwards.

Go ahead and lie to your friends; a little white lie can go a long way. If you don't lie to them every now and then, they'll think you're a goody two-shoes candy-ass.

Cool people have loads of expendable income either from having rich parents, dealing drugs, or (rarely) a part-time job. However, even they have the money don't expect them to spend a dime on you or your friends even in an emergency.

Contrary to popular belief (and common sense), fighting is totally cool because it shows how tough you are by jumping one person with five of your buddies armed with baseball bats, knives, and beer bottles; especially if they're unarmed.

If you're "the friend with a car," you must blast down a residential road at 90 miles per hour, come to a sudden stop, then burn out after the light changes every chance you get. Bonus points for driving down a dirt road this fast and not dropping a muffler!

If you are currently wearing less than 20 lbs. of jewelry (especially in "chain" necklaces), you're not "thuggin'."

Who cares if every statement you make is grammatically ambiguous and seemingly unintelligible? As long as you keep your "slang vocabulary" up to date, those fools will be afraid to step up, cuh.