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I was watching a commercial for a product called "Life Alert" in which they had some old windbag on TV saying, "All senior citizens should have Life Alert," in a painfully slow voice while the text on the bottom of the screen displayed their advertising slogan, "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!" when it occurred to me that they were doing it wrong. If they're going for accuracy, they should advertise their product like this:
The accurate way to market safety devices for old people.
Instead, they waste mid-afternoon airtime with old fossils talking about how important Life Alert is and why "senior citizens" should wear them. Here's a better idea: LET THEM DIE!
I hate old people! The state I live in is filled to capacity with worthless old bastards who contribute NOTHING to society and expect us to show them respect because they're too weak, tired, vulnerable, and worthless to wipe their own asses.
Who needs them? I say we kill everyone over the age of 85 and sell their homes to college-bound students so we can make the world a better place instead of letting some old cantankerous bitch rot away the rest of her miserable days in an empty home or, even worse, on the Florida highways.
Here is how I propose to dispose of deal with the elderly. Take notes; I might decide to run for President in 2028.
- Redirect Life Alert to the Kevorkian Hotline
If you're so old that a low-velocity impact with the ground traps you until you slowly die, you probably don't have much to live for to begin with. Just end it all, you old bastards!
- Social Security should be exclusively for Veterans
If you didn't serve in the military, why should we (the American workers) take care of you? Don't give me any of that, "I'm old and frail," bullshit. If you wanted to retire, you should have set up your own retirement fund when you were younger, asshole! Or, failing that, served for at least one term of military service.
- Revoke their driving rights
If your reaction time and attention span are so shitty that you become a hazard for everyone on the road, you don't deserve to drive. Too many intelligent young men and women have had their lives prematurely snuffed out because some old bitch valued her independence more than the lives of children.
- Napalm every bingo hall in the nation
We can use the land for science labs, colleges, schools, parks, or anything that benefits the community.
I must be a genius. Or, more likely, completely out of my mind. Note that none of the above applies to veterans, scientists, writers, or people who are otherwise employed or give to the community (outside of church-operated charities and programs; you can't credit for something that a church does, you old bats!) instead of just pissing the members of the community (namely me) off.
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