- You are not interesting.
Your marriage, health, and boring stories don't amount to shit in my mind or anyone else's. If your life is so problematic that you must annoy people who are working for just above minimum wage, consider ending it!
- You aren't a comedian.
One of my coworkers is a smart-ass and I have an internet connection at home. Therefore, if it's funny, I've probably heard it already! I don't need to hear your boring fucking stories! Old men and media-clone rednecks are guilty of this more often than not. Not only are they not comedians, but neither are Larry the Cable Guy or Jeff Foxworthy (the people they steal jokes from).
- I am not a babysitter.
Nowhere in my job description does it say, "Supervise every nasty little shit that enters the store because their fucking parents are too lazy to watch, discipline, or otherwise silence the disrespectful little shits they bred out of being anti-choice." If it did, I would quit my job because I hate kids. They're YOUR responsibility; not mine.
- Stop bringing us plagues.
I've been sick for the past week and a half because some bitch thought she'd go buy cough syrup and cough all over the damn store. And that's after I obsessively washed my hands and drenched my forearms, hands, and finger-tips in hand sanitizer. It's even worse when a manager gets sick because they can't take time off! Send someone else to get your fucking medicine, or at least be conscientious about the blight you bring upon store clerks. All it takes is for you to not be an inconsiderate asshole for us to be healthy.
- Bring enough money.
This one gets filed under, Seems like common sense, but strangely, it isn't! If you're going shopping, you should know all of the following:
- The cost of most (if not all) of your purchases.
- The sales tax rate for the city/state.
- The amount of money in your checking account or wallet (whichever applies).
I stopped fishing into my pockets to cover peoples' bills after my first week of having a job. If you don't have the money, I will gladly call the manager to take items off your transaction.
- Don't run out to the car to get more change.
If you don't want to get change back, BRING YOUR FUCKING CHANGE WITH YOU! You aren't so important that the entire line is willing to wait for three minutes while you fish a few pennies out of your car just because you want to only get paper currency back from the cashier.
- Closing time means exactly what it sounds like.
If we close at 9:00, and you're not in line by 8:59, you're shit out of luck. Get the fuck out. Try again tomorrow.
- If you can't find it, you don't need it.
It's perfectly acceptable to ask for directions. It's not acceptable to demand us to walk you to the item, hold your hand, and practically wipe your ass. Additionally, if you can't follow simple instructions (i.e. "Second-to-last aisle on the right, bottom shelf."), tough shit.
- Ask a question, expect an explanation.
This is more of a personal thing I do than a guideline that applies to everyone: When someone asks me a question, I provide an explanation. For example, if some crackhead stumbles into my store (killing all the flies with their odor in the process) and asks if we carry milk, instead of just saying, "No," I say, "No. If we carried milk, we would have to accept food-stamps. If you note the sign on the door (right in front of your fucking eyes!), we don't accept EBT/food-stamps. Therefore, we don't carry milk."
As a result, they usually walk away muttering half-hearted threats because I forced them to think about the situation they're in. If this sounds like you, DON'T ASK QUESTIONS IF YOU DON'T WANT ANSWERS!
- Tech Support is that way.
If you buy a rip-off cell phone and want it activated, either do it yourself or find a store operated by the company to do it for you. Our job is to scan shit and put said shit in bags.
- Grab your own bags.
A torn rotary cuff is no excuse to be a lazy, good-for-nothing burden on society. Can't lift it? Bring help.
- Don't write a check.
This takes way too much time to process and you'll only piss everyone off. You are not more important than the other customers, or the employees. Time is money and you're wasting ours.
- Don't spend several minutes counting out change.
Once again, you're wasting our time with bullshit.
- Clean up after yourself.
If you make a mess, we will offer you the tools to clean it up. It's not fair to anyone to make them clean up after you or your kids. Here's the mop, bitch!
If you follow these guidelines religiously, you might not run the risk of gaining our ire and end up strangled to death with a grocery bag. Remember: If it's not our fucking job, don't expect us to do it!
