No, he can't go all the way. Simmer the fuck down, drink more of your beer, and realize that shouting at a television screen image isn't going to affect the outcome of a sports game 3,000 miles away.

A baseball fan is essentially a football fan who's asking for a public beating for walking around half-naked in body paint. Put a shirt on, asshole!

I shouldn't even include them because NASCAR isn't a sport, but the contempt I hold for NASCAR is only rivaled by the contempt that communists hold for happiness.

I don't care about Michael Jordan. I don't care about the Globetrotters. Shut the hell up.

Carlin said it best: "Have you ever watched golf on TV? It’s like watching flies fuck!" Why is there a Golf channel on television? Why do you idiots watch it? It's a waste of a broadcast frequency.

New rule: Anyone who watches soccer on TV has to wear a shirt that says, "Pacifists are too rough for me."

I shouldn't have to explain this one: Anyone who cares about tennis must be legally insane.

If I ever become a professional boxer, I'm going to randomly call a time out, walk up to the camera, and say, "Hey asshole. Yes; you in the sports bar with the 'Miller Lite.' I'm several thousand miles away. I CAN'T FUCKING HEAR YOU. Stop shouting at the god damn television! Go drink yourself into a coma and stop embarrassing yourself."

I can't say anything bad about wrestling fans without offending the gays.

This deserves a special category of its own. When they were in high school, these chumps probably made fun of the kids who played Dungeons and Dragons. Naturally, they turn around and do the same fucking thing; only with football players instead of Level 10 Paladins. Hypocrisy? You bet!

Let's save the worst for last: NOBODY cares about high school sports. Period. Don't believe me? Fly to another country and ask them what they think about your high school going undefeated in football for 9 games in a row. Anyone who does give a shit (and isn't just acting like they do) is a complete fucking idiot.