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Sporting Events and Other Shit Nobody Cares About
I recently received a hate email from a few disgruntled sports fans. They claimed that I have no friends, called me a "faggot" for making fun of homo-erotic sports, and asked if I've ever seen the outside of my parents' basement (hint: I live in Florida; we don't have basements!). In light of this, I have two options:
Make a public apology for offending someone who signs their emails as, "the man who just pwned yoU!"
Offend them even more-- out of spite.
With the Superbowl approaching, my choice should be obvious.
The Superbowl
Recently, there has been a large controversy over everyone's right to say the word, "Superbowl." The NFL, being the litigating bastards they are, decided that since the Superbowl is copyrighted that nobody has the right to use the word-- probably in an attempt to use reverse psychology on the unwashed masses and essentially win free advertising from outraged hippies everywhere.
Fuck you, NFL! Football sucks and football fans are drunk idiots. Ever since the Janet Jackson boob incident, the Superbowl commercials have sucked more than a French whore. There's no point in even watching your shitty three-hour sports program unless you're drunk, stoned, or mentally incompetent.
The Olympics
Yawn. There are only three acceptable reasons for any sane individual to watch the Olympics:
Blind patriotism
Booing the country of France
Women's Beach Volleyball
Women probably disagree on the third point, but we all know that women are crazy so my point still stands.
College/High School Sports Games
What's the point in going to these things? There's hardly ever a riot and hardly anybody gets killed. You're not going to get laid, and you're crammed into a tight stadium full of fat, sweaty people who have crawled out of the nearest trailer park without bathing so they can scream at the top of their lungs in hopes of vicariously reliving their high school "glory days." Your time would be better spent looking at porn on the internet.
Fencing Tournaments
I wish I were exaggerating.
Fencing is giving the WWE a run for its money on the subject of being called a sport while being so horribly shitty. Fencing is a perfect example of pre-American Europeans taking something manly (sword-fighting) and turning it into the prissiest sport imaginable.
Words cannot describe the contempt I hold for fencing. Anyone who goes to a fencing tournament is a genuine idiot.
In the grand scheme of things, do any of these sporting events really matter? Of course not. Nobody in their right mind cares about sports.
I would add more to the list, but then I would have to cover every sport that has ever been conceived. Since none of them matter, I won't waste my time or yours. Fuck sports, fuck sports fans, fuck sporting events, and fuck everything associated with them.
8 people online.
Got some feedback, comments, suggestions, or want to call me an asshole? Send it to kobrasrealm@gmail.com.
