If you were looking for an actual list of reasons why I'm the best, I don't disappoint. Here's a mere list of fifty reasons why I'm the best. To be frank, I'm too lazy to write 300 reasons why I'm the best person alive and it wouldn't hold anyone's interest. Without further ado:

1. I'm the author of this website.

Yes, that's number one. I, and only I, will ever write anything for this website. None of that "guest-ranting" nonsense here! It may work for some websites, but this website is about me, myself, and I. But mostly me.

2. I'm antisocial.

You know all those trivial problems you face every day as a consequence of your reliance on your friends and their reliance on you? Yeah, I don't have to deal with ANY of that. I hate everyone, everyone hates me, and I don't have to deal with everyone's bullshit. Win-win.

3. I'm a nerd.

Computers, mathematics, science... it's all rudimentary to me. Being a nerd means, in terms of intellect, that you automatically win. But be wary of your resourcefulness... a useless nerd becomes a "geek." Which brings me to...

4. I'm resourceful.

Half of knowing is knowing where to look to find the answers you need. If you aren't resourceful, no matter how encyclopedic your knowledge of the universe may be, you will never be able to apply any of it.

5. I'm not a dumbass.

A dumbass is someone with little-to-no common sense, human decency, etiquette, or brain activity. See also: Fundamentalism.

6. I'm single.

I have a friend who has a girlfriend, and he has no soul. Every time something fun appears, suddenly it's "Well I don't know if she'd be okay with that..." To hell with relationships! Having a girlfriend/fiancé/wife is for when you're in your late 20's and you're sick of one-night stands. Anyone under the age of 24 who thinks they're in love is an idiot.

7. I'm rational.

Contrary to popular belief, I'm actually a very rational individual. Logic > Emotion.

8. I'm NOT a hopeless romantic.

Hopeless romantics are the worst. "Oh boo-hoo I sit and dwell on romantic/suicidal poetry all day. Somebody please punch me in the solar plexus."

9. I know humans are omnivores.

Vegetarians really need to learn this lesson.

10. I'm the smartest person I know.

Let's face it... nobody I've ever met can think on my level. Most people would call me a stuck-up bastard for thinking this, and I agree.

11. I have never dyed my hair.

You know all those whiny goth kids who dye their hair weird colors and try to stand out then complain about getting bullied? I'll never be one of them. If you're one of them, kindly kill yourself to save us the disgrace of listening to your bitching.

12. I have an outrageous IQ.

I've had my IQ tested several times, and my results were (from least to greatest): 131, 134, and 168. This doesn't really mean anything, but I'm still going to use it as leverage to say I'm the best.

13. I could join MENSA if I filled out the paperwork.

Only the top 2% of the population is welcome to join MENSA. That automatically makes me better than 98% of the world.

14. I'm not religious.

This one speaks for itself: Religion is archaic and obsolete; a system of beliefs for weak-willed morons who can't cope with the fact that there isn't someone upstairs guiding our actions. Due to my independence from this bullshit philosophy, I'm better than all the religious people... which is a vast majority of the world.

15. I don't belong to a "clique."

Everyone falls into one or two "inner circles" of social elitism-- not me. In order to fall into an inner circle, I'd have to associate with people. Balls to that.

16. I've never contemplated suicide.

1 out of 10 teenagers have contemplated suicide. If you're one of those 10%, I'm better than you.

17. I designed my own website.

I'm not a run-of-the-mill rant writer. I didn't just steal Maddox's layout and tweak it... I designed my own layout. It may not be W3C compliant-- but who gives a fuck?

18. Hell... I programmed my own website, too.

How many people have the patience to write over 20 PHP scripts just to start off a website? That's not counting the tools I've made to ensure my laziness.

19. I have two parents who are still married and live together.

I can't be assed to find a statistic to go with this, but I know that most of the people I at least talk to live with only one parent.

20. I have never smoked marijuana.

I've come up with a marketing slogan for drugs: Doing nothing has never been so cool. In all seriousness, drugs are a complete waste of time. If I want to escape reality, I have Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion.

21. I've never done any other drug, either.

No comment needed. If you have ever done a drug (especially if you're a teenager right now), you're an idiot.

22. I'm part Native American.

I can say whatever I want about Illegal Immigrants with impunity. You want me to speak Spanish? How about you speak Cherokee, asshole! Go back to whatever communist hole from which you crawled.

23. My writing is the best.

I love my writing; it speaks to me on a personal level. To me, every other writer in the world is an idealistic cock. But my writing is perfection in my eyes.

24. My drawings rule.

I don't know if I've posted any of my newer ones, but they kick ass. And I'm not just saying that to be a conceited jackass. They stomp the balls out of the pathetic scribbles most people shit out.

25. I'm half Irish.

... which means, I'm more resistant to alcohol poisoning due to my ancestors' fuck-ups. It's called adaptation... or something like that.

26. I am always right.

... when compared to the dipshits in my school, at least.

27. I run a Linux-based OS.

... which means I'll get as laid about as often as I have to reboot my computer.

28. I can laugh at anything.

The morning of the Virginia Tech shooting, I looked at the TV and said, "Holy shit! 33 open seats at Virginia Tech?!" How many people do you know that wouldn't call that joke "too soon?" Exactly; because I'm superior.

29. I'm not an internet celebrity.

Internet celebrities have a habit of becoming "has-beens."

30. My website is growing larger.

...both in content and in popularity.

31. I'm only 17 years old (as of this writing)

With all I've done in my life, I'm only 17. I'll be 18 in October. How many 17 year olds have a website that kicks ass as much as mine? Answer: None.

32. I bought my laptop with my own money.

How many teenagers (overall) can say they've done such a thing?

33. I actually understood Phylomortis II.

Some say you need to be nothing short of an English major to understand what anyone is saying. That's bullshit. Anyone with a grasp of vocabulary and a head that isn't lodged firmly in their ass can figure it out.

34. On the subject of reading comprehension...

The majority of XKCD comics don't baffle me. That's saying something.

35. Everything I like on TV is great.

In particular: Bleach, Berserk, House, That 70's Show... I could go on, and the list of "decent TV shows" would be short; but I'm lazy.

36. I don't have ED.

I just wanted to take this moment to point and laugh at all the impotent old men with diabetes and high blood pressure who can't get an erection. I might be there in 60 years, but I'll be damned if I pass up the opportunity to rub it in here and now.

37. I'm not dating a fat, obnoxious bitch.

Be honest: Is your girlfriend an obese, loud-mouthed cunt? Do you feel ashamed every time you go out in public with her? Guess what: I win again!

38. My ideas are better than everyone else's.

When I think of an idea for an invention, it always stomps balls. Not only does it stomp balls, but it usually doesn't require a lot of intricate modification.

39. I'm studying German.

This is just a jab at all the morons at my school who decided to study Spanish or French because it's "easy." Easy, perhaps. But English is derived more from German and Latin than Spanish and French, so I win.

40. I'm modest.

I am the most modest person on the planet. It's like I have a +20 on my Humble check. Nobody is as modest as me.

41. I'm adjusted to a college learning environment.

Unfortunately, I'm still in High School where we get graded based on how much time we waste of frivolous bullshit in favor of actual learning.

42. I don't think I'm a vampire.

I'm better than every Gothic on the planet.

43. I don't think I'm a gangsta.

I'm better than every wigger on the planet.

44. Popularity means nothing to me.

Who gives a fuck about what's popular and what's unpopular? Fame and infamy are two sides of the same coin, assholes! My name gets out whether I please you or offend you... so why not be honest with myself and be a total asshole? Exactly.

45. I'm an asshole.

If you read the previous one, then no further comment is needed.

46. I'm the best at what I do.

I know that whatever I do at life, I will always be the best at what I do.

47. I can cook better than most people my age (excluding Chefs-in-training).

...which means that I'll be eating well while they're eating Ramen.

48. I always win at video games.

You name it, I'll kick your ass at it. Especially Tetris Attack!

49. I always win at video games everything.

Cheat codes, head starts, and cheap shots are for pussies.

50. I have a keen bullshit detector.

Unlike most people, even most of my readers, I can tell bullshit apart from fact. For example, the previous 49 entries on this list were written to instill a sense of increasing irony. I don't really think I'm the best person in the world. Not everything here was written sarcastically, but I'll leave it for you to decide which is and isn't sarcasm.