Once upon a time, there was a stuck-up bookworm named Belle. Belle turned down some hot-shot idiot named Gaston; not because he was an idiot, but because she was a damn furry. Belle's dumbass dad gets caught trespassing in the local furfag Beast's castle and she goes to rescue him, only to catch a glimpse of him in his fursuit and immediately hump his leg. After being saved by Beast from a pack of wolves, Belle realizes that furry is disgusting and tells Beast after he kills Gaston. Beast gets arrested for murder and spends the rest of his days taking it up the ass in prison while Belle is forced to work for ten cents an hour until she dies of Influenza.

There lived an impoverished idiot named Jack. Jack's mom sent him to sell the worthless cow for some sustenance, and Jack (being the football-playing dipshit he is) buys five "magic" beans instead. Jack's mom cries and beats Jack every-day until they starve to death. The moral of the story is that stupid people will die eventually and need no help speeding up the process (I'm talking to YOU, depressed goth kid who plans on trying to re-enact Columbine).

"...so after I created Adam and Eve, I told them 'Don't eat from this tree.' and went off to play Unreal Tournament. Two hours later, I realized, 'Ah fuck! I forgot to give them a concept of right and wrong.' I come back and, 'lo and behold, the two dipshits ate the fruit and blamed it on a talking snake. I kicked their asses out of Eden then went back to playing Unreal Tournament. Mother fuckers!"

There once was a lazy, good-for-nothing woman who took so long to do the simplest tasks that an outsider would think she was overworked. That wasn't the case. One day, her two sisters got tickets to a concert because they got their fucking chores done; Cinderella threw a temper tantrum, combed her hair over one eye, and sat in a closet for six hours listening to emo music on full blast while scratching her wrists. A fairy was passing by at the time and suffered an aneurysm due to the cacophony and offered to help her go to the ball if she would shut her fucking horrible music off. Cinderella instead decides she wants to sulk in her misery so her emo friends will like her better, so the fairy set her on fire and crashed the house to the ground with Cinderella in it (just out of spite). Serves the bitch right!

There were once three "little pigs" (code language for spies) who were fleeing from "the big bad wolf" (the Russian mafia). The first little pig hid in France and the Big Bad Wolf killed the first little pig and conquered the entire country without even drawing his pistol. The second little piggie ran to Communist China, where he eventually killed himself out of shame. The third little piggie ran to Mexico then hopped the border into the United States where the bleeding-heart Liberals protected him despite the fact that he was spying for a different country until the Big Bad Wolf rigged their cars with explosives, one by one. By the time all the bleeding-heart Liberals were killed, the little piggie's great grandchild was born and the little piggie died in a car crash in Florida after someone got tired of him driving 20 miles per hour on the freeway and knocked him off an overpass and into a river.