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The Elderly Are A Plague To The Earth
Above: Every old person who has ever shopped at my store.
I'm not sure what point it was that I began to hate old people; maybe it was the time an old woman asked me to run out into the parking lot during a thunderstorm (keep in mind I live in Florida-- the lightning capital of the world) and turned around to only use it to hold a few small items and wrote a check. Or perhaps it was the time an old man threatened to run me and my mom over when we were walking down a residential road and claimed, "I don't care. I have insurance." Or maybe it was all of those times an old person acted superior to me because I'm under the age of 50. You get my point.
After living in the industrialized swamp for 13 years, I've had to deal with more bullshit from the elderly than I care to or have the time to write about. But I feel that, having dealt with such insurmountable bullshit, I finally understand enough about the elderly to enlighten the masses (that's you) on why the elderly are so fucking stupid and what we can do to either deal with them or piss them off.
The first thing you have to consider is WHY they're where they are, doing whatever it is that they do to piss you off; because they want to feel special. Their families have either dumped them in a retirement home and their kids have stopped calling them. Most of them have reached the age of retirement and their lives have become meaningless. They don't feel loved, appreciated, or respected.
So naturally, they drive to the nearest store/restaurant and demand special treatment.
By either demanding a senior citizen discount or making a cashier run out into a blinding rainstorm to grab them a shopping cart, they feel as though they're somehow important.
The other thing to consider is that they're old, easily-tired, and ineffably lazy.
So how do you deal with the Elderly?
Give into their demands? If you give in to their demands, they'll keep coming back because they get addicted to feeling special. To hell with that!
Ask them about their children... and just when they're done bullshitting about how successful and famous they are even though you haven't heard of them-- ask them when was the last time they called when it wasn't a holiday and then proceed to push the issue of assisted suicide? Bingo.
Now, no stereotype is without exceptions; my dad has a friend who is the coolest old person to ever live. He lost his left leg in Vietnam (and survived the subsequent rescue helicopter crash) and still puts more miles on his motorcycle in three months than most people drive in a year. One time a group of youngsters who thought they were hot shit were picking on a Veteran and he got pissed and beat them with his prosthetic leg.
On his court date, he showed up in his army uniform and set his (new?) prosthetic leg on the table. The judge took one look at him and not only dismissed the case, but also gave the dipshits thirty days each for assaulting a disabled person.
He should be a role model. He doesn't sit around in a self-pity party waiting for a younger person to wipe his ass and listen to sob-stories. He says "Fuck you!" to everyone who patronizes him, hops on his motorcycle, and yells at people who drive like they have their heads firmly planted in their asses.
If every old person were like him, two things would be certain: I wouldn't hate old people, and the elderly would never get assaulted, mugged, raped, or otherwise abused by anyone. Did your grandkids just do something stupid and try to run away? They just did TWO things stupid. Someone just tried to push you over and steal your wallet? They'll wake up thinking it rained walking canes.
If every elderly person followed that man's philosophy from the get-go, there would be no lazy parents today and transitively there wouldn't be an emo or a gangsta culture.
But since that's not the case, I will continue to hate the elderly. Sure, I'll treat them like every other person-- but don't expect me to be happy about it. And God (or whatever you worship) help you if you write a fucking check.
